


Home is where the heart is

by jamie2109



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-11
Updated: 2014-01-11
Packaged: 2018-01-08 09:33:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamie2109/pseuds/jamie2109
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty years later, a bit of a tell-all interview.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home is where the heart is

**Author's Note:**

> Someone asked a question and the answer was, ‘We’ll never know unless twenty years down the track someone writes a tell-all book,’ as they tend to do, and everyone around at the time says, ‘I knew it!’ Well, I figured that I might not care in twenty years (or I might be dead), so I’d write my own version of it. That’s how this story began its journey. It doesn’t cover the whole time period, as that could be left for a sequel if I become inspired by something specific. Unfortunately, there is no sex in this story, so if you’re after that – sorry. It’s mentioned, though. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you to my beta, @psychosm1212, and @2pussycat for the read through and thanks to everyone else who encouraged me when writing became difficult. 
> 
> And a huge big thank you to writingchia2k for the amazing artwork developed from a pretty rough, unfinished draft. <333
> 
> Huge disclaimer here: This is FICTION. I’m not saying any of this is true at all. Events have been altered to fit the story line and readers should not think that’s how they happened.

We’re treated to a cacophony of noise as Adam Lambert opens the door. He’s smiling and relaxed, dressed casually, even barefooted, but then it’s his home and we’re the guests.

His house, his rules. 

This was made very clear to us before he agreed to this series of interviews. Or agreed to allow us to include his long-time guitarist in the interviews we’re doing to celebrate his twenty years in the business since he was runner up on American Idol. Tommy’s never been one to enjoy too much media attention. 

It’s been made very clear to us that we are to take Adam as we find him today. In the past that’s usually meant being surrounded by entourage, and Tommy. Today it means being surrounded by – and being attacked at the knees by – assorted family members and children. And Tommy, of course, we assume. 

Adam smiles apologetically and removes a small child about 4 years old from around his knees, swinging the urchin up and onto his hip, an action clearly familiar to him. He’s comfortable in his skin these days, still maddeningly attractive despite the years.

‘This,’ he says tweaking the child’s nose causing her to giggle and squirm, ‘is Abby McCrabby. So called because she is a cranky little thing. Don’t let appearances fool you.’ He grins at the child who pouts prettily at him. 

‘Tell Tommy on you. I am not cranky!’ she says and even I can tell she would be a handful in a bad mood.

‘Alright, Missy, you go and tell Tommy that the lady is here to do the interview.’

He swings her to the ground and leans down to kiss her forehead. 

‘Okay, Daddy,’ she says before scampering off, yelling ‘Tommy!’ at the top of her voice. 

Adam merely rolls his eyes and shakes his head at her and then beckons us to follow. He leads us through the comfortable house to some huge double French doors that open, to my surprise, onto a panorama of garden, lawns, play equipment and the like. While that’s all very normal, the surprising thing is that the yard clearly adjoins the neighbouring house. I want to ask about the house but just as I open my mouth to speak, Adam asks if we want a drink. By the time that’s all sorted, the moment to ask about the house has passed.

*****

We’re sitting outside on the spacious patio. There are several children and friends playing happily in the pool some distance away. Some I recognise, some I don’t. The sun has brought out the casual, relaxed Adam, and his smile reminds one that while he’s almost fifty he still has that boy next door look; youthful despite there being no trace of the pancake makeup of his early days. Adam Lambert looks years younger than he should and it’s disconcerting as much for the fact that it’s clear he’s had no cosmetic surgery to help, as it is that he has for the most part escaped the ravages hard drinking and drugs often take on rock stars.

Adam’s eyes drift to the children often and he smiles easily, eyes full of love, but when he looks at Tommy sitting opposite him, I’m wondering how I could possibly offer this man anything in the way of conversation that could make him want to divert his attention away from Tommy. It feels voyeuristic just being there, watching them.

And all over again the question arises. Why are they not together? 

It’s been well documented that Tommy joined the band as the bass player but right from the start the fans and Adam saw much more in him than that. He was always different from the rest of the band and not just because Adam singled him out and spent most of the first tour making out with him on stage. It seemed that he charmed whoever he came into contact with; there was always some mention of Tommy made whenever he accompanied Adam anywhere. 

It’s also well documented that after Adam began seeing the boy from Finland, things changed. Adam calls that the darkest period in his life where he sunk to such lows of depression and addiction that he wasn’t sure he’d ever get out. 

What isn’t so well documented is that Adam credits Tommy with dragging him kicking and screaming out of the career wrecking, life threatening slide into the dark. 

‘Tommy saved my life,’ Adam says seriously, while Tommy sinks further back into his chair and pretends not to have heard. His blush gives him away though. ‘I’m serious,’ Adam continues. ‘If it hadn’t been for Tommy threatening to leave, I might not have pulled myself out of that spiral in time.’

‘Don’t be so melodramatic,’ Tommy says, rolling his eyes as he turns to speak to me. ‘I’m sure the sound of his career tanking would have made him realise what he was doing. Eventually.’

I turn to Adam and ask, ‘What happened?’ The details of that period of Adam’s life aren’t well known, despite there being a public activity in the form of a second album, some promo shows and a short tour. Of course that period also included the infamous overnight jail time in Finland, drunken party nights and more than one report of loud fighting between Adam and his then boyfriend. 

‘Do you want the long story or the short story?’ Adam laughs and adds, ‘And before Tommy jumps in and reminds me that I cannot tell a short story, they’re both long.’

Tommy’s leg bounces and his toe bumps Adam’s shin. ‘Dick,’ he says fondly. ‘I’d say nothing of the sort.’

‘Liar,’ Adam replies, still smiling. ‘Story time with Abby usually takes hours because I can’t stop myself.’

‘Likes the sound of his own voice, this one,’ Tommy teases. 

‘My voice pays the bills,’ Adam shoots back. 

‘Surely that means you should be conserving it, dude.’ He’s softly spoken, and over the years the language has mellowed. I assume it’s because of the children. I’d earlier been told by Tommy that he has two children and it’s clear by the pride in his voice that they mean everything to him. ‘You’re not as young as you used to be.’ A mischievous grin breaks out over Tommy’s face and it strikes me.

He’s also still devastatingly gorgeous.

‘I’ll listen to whichever story you’re willing to tell,’ I say, grateful beyond measure that I’ve been afforded this privilege.

Adam thinks for a moment and then seems to make a decision. ‘Perhaps we should start at the start,’ he says and reaches over to take Tommy’s hand, lacing their fingers together. ‘Or, in the middle somewhere, actually.’ Of course I try not to think anything of it; the two of them have always been extremely affectionate on stage. And they’ve been playing together so long now that I should expect a level of intimacy that respects the length of their friendship. 

I fail terribly, because it’s Adam and Tommy, and when have I ever been dispassionate about them?

It’s the fact that their fingers are laced together that indicates this is different, and there’s a buzzing behind my ears that makes me wonder if I am still breathing. My world seems to have tilted on its axis and nothing is what I thought. 

‘It all started with a kiss,’ Tommy says, smiling at Adam like I’m not even there.

‘That kiss?’ I ask. Squeak. Everyone knows what that kiss was. The AMA kiss that broke a network. They both nod.

‘So you’ve been together this whole time?’ 

They both look at me and laugh. ‘Oh, shit no,’ Tommy replies, while Adam shrugs. ‘Well, not quite. Took me way longer than that to get my head out of my ass and realise what was going on. But if there’d been no kiss we wouldn’t be where we are today, that’s for damned sure.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well,’ Tommy smiles at Adam and then looks at me. ‘All the backlash and shit Adam put up with after that kiss really brought us closer together. Might have happened anyway, but it was a friendship formed on mutual admiration; we thought alike on so many things, but it was forged in steel afterwards.’

‘That’s right.’ Adam nods. ‘I thought I’d killed my career before it had even really begun but Tommy stuck by me and at times it felt like us against the world, you know. That kind of experience and that kind of loyalty earns trust and respect that becomes an integral part of you and you know it will never go away.’ 

He’s so intense and so sincere that you can’t help but feel envious of the deep bond they must share.

‘And of course, him making out with me on stage through most of the Glam Nation tour didn’t help much either. We kind of lived in each other’s pockets for six months. After that, I couldn’t get rid of him,’ Tommy jokes.

‘Like I tried,’ Adam shoots back. ‘I really tried, but he just up and informed the world that unless I slapped him across the face and told him to get out of my life, he was not going anywhere.’ Tommy grins at him. ‘And how could anyone slap that face?’

‘Sap,’ I say, finally recovering enough to join in their banter. 

‘And proud of it. We could all use some more sap in our lives.’

‘You’re getting worse though. Every time one of the kids does something cute, you’re all “let me get my camera,” or sniffing into a tissue.’

‘Look who’s talking, Mr what-are-we-going-to do-when-they-leave-home.’

Tommy scowls playfully. ‘I’m older than you, and grumpy old men with grey hair and saggy tits are allowed to get emotional. It’s a rule.’

Adam laughs a full, rich laugh and I’d swear he looks no more than thirty-five. After a moment Tommy chuckles and I don’t feel bad about letting a giggle escape. Even Frank the camera man offers a smile. 

‘Anyway, back to the story. I’ve got thousands of questions, but perhaps they’ll all be answered if the two of you just tell me your story. Your fans would string me up if I came away with this news and had no story to back it up.’

Adam looks at Tommy and takes a deep breath, sober now. ‘No backing out now, Tommy. You up for this?’

‘I haven’t changed my mind, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

‘I know, but you’ve got the biggest story to tell, you had the longest journey to get here, I’m just making sure.’

Tommy squeezes Adam’s hand and nods. ‘I’m cool with it, dude. We decided it needed to be told.’

Adam smiles at him proudly and then starts his story.

‘It all happened like this…’

*****

‘You’ve heard of love at first sight, haven’t you? Well, the first time I saw Tommy something in my mind snapped and I thought I’d gone crazy.’ Tommy laughs and nudges Adam’s leg with his foot again. ‘Just kidding,’ Adam amends. ‘What really happened was that something in me changed. People say we just clicked but I knew it was different than that. All those damned clichés and not one of them fit right. Tommy did, though; Tommy fit into my life and my band and into my fucking _head_ right from the first time we met.

‘Auditions were always crap. I never knew how to let them down gently, so mostly I stayed off to the side, listening, “feeling out the musician’s aura” as Monte put it. I would shrug it off and remind him that he was the one who had to tell the applicants they weren’t wanted. 

‘But Tommy walked in, had everyone laughing and under his spell in about five minutes, and I knew that for the first time in my life I was irretrievably lost. I didn’t have a say in it and I had no idea what it would mean to me, but there was a Tommy-shaped place inside of me and it would never leave.’

‘You’re not going to tell the whole story are you?’ Tommy asks. ‘We could be here for months.’

Adam looks thoughtful for a second and then gives him a wry smile. ‘I guess not. There are a few things no one needs to know. Like how you buy little boy underwear even now.’

Tommy splutters and then laughs. ‘Too late, dude, they’ve known about that forever.’

‘How about you, Tommy, what did you think the first time you met Adam?’

Tommy looks at Adam fondly. ‘I already knew how talented he was and what he looked like, but it was a surprise to see him make up free. I like his looks a lot more when he’s natural. I mean he’s hot all the time and some of the make-up he wore during GNT was amazing and made him look like some alien from planet fierce, I believe the fans used to say.’ Tommy grinned, ducking Adam’s swipe at his shoulder. ‘But I always love him natural. I was struck by his eyes. Always was a sucker for a decent set of eyes. I felt like he was reading my mind half the time.’

‘That must have been unnerving at an audition.’

‘Not really,’ Tommy replies. ‘I felt like I belonged there right away. Monte said “ah here’s the last piece of the puzzle” and that’s what it felt like.’

‘It was pretty obvious to fans that there was something special about your friendship, so how did it turn into something more?’

‘Looking back now, I think it was always going to happen eventually,’ Tommy replies candidly. ‘But I didn’t understand how to accept what I was feeling for the longest time. I’d only ever dated girls.’

‘That’s right, I remember Adam telling anyone who would listen that you were straight. It got to be a joke during GNT. Any time Adam was being interviewed fans rolled their eyes at the “Tommy is straight” line that always seemed to make it in there somehow.’

‘To be fair, I mentioned it several times, too.’

‘So was that a smokescreen?’ I ask. ‘Or a “say it enough times everyone will believe it” thing?’

‘Perhaps a little of that,’ Adam answers quietly. ‘It probably looked like I was over doing it but at the time it was a reminder of what I thought could never be mine.’ Adam’s voice is softer and Tommy squeezes his hand. ‘Not for want of trying on my part…’

*****

_’Come and have dinner with me,’ Adam pleaded into his phone._

_‘I’m at this thing with Monte,’ Tommy said shouting over the noise in the background._

_‘I’m sure Monte will be fine without you. Please? I wanna spoil you a bit.’_

_Tommy laughed. ‘You do that every day, dude.’_

_‘Tommy,’ Adam said, a mock stern tone in his voice. ‘Get your pretty ass over here now.’_

_‘Flat ass, but ok, you win, boss man. Be there in ten.’_

_‘Good boy.’_

_Adam hung up and checked the hotel room, thanking his lucky stars that he’d been put up in a swanky hotel with a view. The hotel staff had been brilliant setting up a table for dinner, finding candles and organising a couple of dozen red roses to sit in a vase in the middle of a table set for two. Well, he reasoned, nerves stuttering around in his stomach, what else could he do on Valentine’s Day but spoil his favourite guy?_

_Minutes later, twelve minutes later to be exact, Tommy arrived, looking much as he usually did, though with what looked to be freshly applied lip gloss. Adam wanted to kiss those lips so badly; not chastely as was their habit, but down and dirty like the AMA kiss. Perhaps tonight…_

_Tommy gave him a peck on the cheek and whistled at the pretty picture the table set for two made against the backdrop of the open curtains and the view over the city._

_‘Date pull out on you?’ he asked Adam. ‘That’s gotta suck being Valentine’s Day and all. Know how you like your schmoopy holiday.’ He patted Adam’s arm as he entered the room, and shrugged his leather jacket off before dropping down onto the sofa._

_Adam frowned. ‘No, no one cancelled,’ he said as he shut the door and followed Tommy into the room. ‘I thought…’ he paused, wondering if his night had already turned pear shaped. Uneasy, he looked at Tommy who was smiling at him, waiting._

_Then realisation obviously dawned on him. ‘Oh.’ Tommy looked around the room._

_Adam wished he knew what Tommy was thinking. One of the reasons they got along so well was because they seemed to have the innate ability to read the others’ emotions. But Tommy’s face was expressionless at the moment, apart from a slight frown, and Adam had no idea what he was feeling._

_In the end it didn’t really matter what Tommy was thinking, the fact he’d assumed Adam had a date clearly indicated Tommy had not given serious thought to them being together. And the lack of immediate enthusiasm for the intimate dinner for two kind of said it all, really._

_Adam’s heart sank. Perhaps if he couldn’t read Tommy now, he’d been reading him wrong all along? Perhaps the bond they shared was not meant to be anything more than friends, nothing more than the flirting they did on stage. Nothing like what he had hoped and dreamed and had been certain he’d seen in the way Tommy responded to him, the way he cuddled up to Adam when he was feeling down or frustrated. Or happy. Or thankful._

_This was such a bad idea. ‘Look, sorry, I’ll just…’ Adam moved to the table and blew out the candles, the smoke drifting up and disappearing in a perfect mockery of what the night had become. There was nothing he could do about the roses though._

_‘It’s all right, Adam,’ Tommy said. ‘I don’t mind.’_

_Adam sighed. ‘Not minding wasn’t the reaction I’d hoped for,’ he said, risking a glance at Tommy. He didn’t really want to see pity in those gorgeous brown eyes, but he felt humiliated enough as it was, he may as well get it over with and be done with it all in one hit._

_He was surprised to see that Tommy had moved to stand beside him. And there was a teasing glint in his eyes. ‘And what sort of reaction were you hoping for?’_

_‘Are you making fun of me, Tommy Joe?’ He tried to make it light hearted, but he was hurting inside. Of course Tommy wasn’t going to be having any ‘feelings’ for him, he was straight. As much as they both hated labels, one had been needed after the AMAs, so it had been straight seeing as Tommy only dated girls. But Adam had thought, believed, after everything, that Tommy’s sexuality was more fluid than that. Clearly he’d been wrong._

_‘You know I don’t go in for this Valentine ’s Day stuff. Why would I think it was meant for me? That you’d want to do this schmoop for me?’_

_Adam clenched his jaw and shook his head, cursing himself for a fool. ‘Just forget it. It’s not important.’_

_There was no way he could let his idiocy ruin their friendship. It was better for everyone to just forget the whole thing and start again._

_‘It is obviously important to you or you wouldn’t have done it,’ Tommy said, and when Adam looked at him the slight frown was back._

_For something to do that wasn’t going to make him spill his guts all over the floor and make things worse, he picked up the vase of roses and moved them to the sideboard._

_‘Adam, talk to me.’ He sounded concerned._

_‘_ You’re _important to me.’ Christ, now he’d done it._

_‘I know that, but…’_

_‘But nothing,’ Adam interrupted, frustrated and embarrassed. ‘This was obviously a mistake, so just go back to Monte and finish whatever it was you were doing. We’ll have dinner another time.’_

_‘Wait, Monte isn’t anywhere near as important to me as you are. I want to fix this. I feel all weird now.’_

_‘Weird was the last thing I wanted you to be feeling.’ Adam sighed, defeated. Everything was wrong and he just wanted to crawl back into his skin and forget the whole night. He scrubbed his face with his hands, not knowing what to do with himself now._

_He heard Tommy mutter ‘shit’ under his breath, then two arms slid around Adam’s waist and Tommy’s head tucked under his chin. It felt too good, too familiar and it wasn’t fair, but Adam wrapped his own arms around Tommy anyway and rested his cheek on Tommy’s ruffled hair. Adam’s body was warm where Tommy was pressed up against him. Why was something that felt so right, so…not?_

_‘C’mon, Adam,’ Tommy said, voice muffled. ‘I’m sorry. Let’s have dinner like you wanted. You’ve gone to all this trouble, we can’t waste it.’_

_‘Mood’s kinda ruined now,’ Adam said. There was something ridiculously wrong having dinner now with Tommy thinking it an obligation. Not. Going. To. Happen. He pulled out of the hug._

_‘C’mon, don’t be so sensitive. We can still enjoy the food. I’m hungry.’_

_Adam looked at him in disbelief and no small amount of hurt. Was Tommy really that thoughtless?_

_‘Wow. Seriously? I organise an intimate, romantic dinner with a man I’ve loved from the first moment I set eyes on him. I get laughed at for it and rejected and you call me sensitive?’_

_‘Wait, this is for real?’ Tommy’s wide eyes looked huge in his face until he scrunched his face, looking as if he were trying to work things out. ‘I thought… I thought…you just liked all this flowers and candles stuff.’_

_It wasn’t fair that Tommy’s confusion was adorable. It hurt even more that Tommy seemed to have no idea._

_‘Have you ever seen me set up a dinner like this for friends?’_

_Tommy shook his head. ‘You did this for me because you love me?’ Tommy questioned. ‘You wanted a romantic…oh,_ romantic. _Right.’_

_Adam slumped down on the sofa. ‘Right,’ he said dropping his head back and closing his eyes, wishing this would all go away. He sensed Tommy sitting down beside him._

_‘You know I love you to distraction, Adam, but I’m not…I’m not…’_

_‘I know. Someone somewhere is laughing their ass off at me, that’s for sure.’ He opened his eyes and looked at Tommy. ‘Look, I’m sorry, I misread things. Can we just forget this ever happened?’_

_Tommy’s slight body cuddled up close to Adam’s side and his arm slid across Adam’s stomach. ‘Nothing to apologise for. I like that I mean so much to you. I like the way we are with each other. I like you, Adam and I am so grateful you’re in my life, that you’ll always be in my life.’_

_‘But that’s as far as it goes, right?’_

_‘You mean the world to me. I’m not going to say I haven’t thought about it. The furore after the AMAs made me re-evaluate a lot of things. But I’m not going to risk what we have now, both friendship and work, for a what if.’_

_‘What’s a what if?’_

_‘What if I really can’t handle dating a guy. What if I hurt you because of it. What if it wrecks your career because you supposedly turned me gay. A hundred what ifs.’_

_‘I see.’ And he did. What they had now was amazing. Things in his career were starting to take off and he wanted Tommy along for the ride. If they mixed work and pleasure and something went wrong, he’d lose a work partner as well as his best friend. Adam understood that for Tommy the risk was greater because he’d never dated a man before let alone his boss, let alone his best friend. It was too much. Quietly though, his heart soared knowing he hadn’t been all wrong._

_‘Ask me again in ten years,’ Tommy said, leaning up and kissing Adam’s cheek. ‘When you’re bigger than Ben Hur and we can both afford to never work again.’_

_Adam chuckled. He really, really loved Tommy. He turned and brushed a soft kiss across Tommy’s lips. ‘I’ll hold you to that.’_

_‘Good.’ Tommy smiled. ‘We’re good then?’_

_‘All good.’ Adam was as good as he was going to get with it. Resigned and still wanting so badly it hurt. And still ass over tit in love with his bass player._

_Fuck it all anyway._

_‘Right then, I’m famished. All this deep and meaningful conversation takes a lot of energy. Where is this intimate romantic schmoopy dinner you promised me?’_

*****

‘You never told me how much that hurt,’ Tommy says softly, gripping Adam’s hand tighter, concern and regret lining his features.

Adam gives him a small reassuring smile. ‘No point, really. At the time I wanted you to be happy and I knew you’d feel bad. There was nothing to be done about it. I just had to get on with things and be happy with what you gave me. Which wasn’t all bad.’

‘It must have been hard working with him so closely,’ I say, reluctant to break into this moment and feeling bad for both of them. 

Adam turns back to me, the sadness of his memory still etched around his eyes. ‘It was tricky for a while. I think there was a few weeks we spent apart, where I thought he was avoiding me. But then we had shows to get ready for, a tour to rehearse and we got busy. Some days were harder than others.’

‘For a while I wanted to kick myself, kick him, too if the truth be known.’ Tommy lets Adam’s hand go and sits forward. ‘Because it doesn’t matter how good you say things are, nothing will ever go back to how it was. We’d had this intense period of bonding over the AMA debacle and it felt like that was being eroded after that Valentine’s Day.

‘I tiptoed around him, careful not to push things.’ Tommy shrugs. ‘It just made things really awkward and weird. Then Sutan kicked my ass and reminded me that Adam was a big boy and could look after himself and he’d tell me if I went too far. So I did the only thing I could. Went back to loving the idiot as best I could.’ He winces slightly as Adam tugs on a lock of hair.

‘Not so much of the idiot thanks.’ But he’s smiling again which is a relief. ‘And it was better,’ Adam admits.

‘So, you mentioned you had a tour to rehearse for. Glam Nation Tour, I presume?’ They both nodded. ‘The stage play between you on that tour became a focal point. How did that develop?’

Adam shrugs. ‘A few other bands were doing it; it was nothing original as a concept. However, the fans had really taken to Tommy, as I knew they would.’

‘Yeah, Adam’s fans are amazing. You know they bought me a lap top when they found out I didn’t have one?’ Tommy, even after all these years, still seems so humbled by their generosity.

‘I remember.’ I laugh. ‘Must have been such a head rush to realise you had fans, too.’

He nods. ‘I still barely believe it. Back then…’ he shakes his head, ‘it just reminds me how grateful I am to have met Adam. To have been chosen by him to be in his band. I still have the lap top, kept safe in the back of the closet even though I don’t use it anymore.’

‘He always did underestimate his popularity,’ Adam says, smiling.

Even now, Tommy demurs. ‘Anyway,’ he says, ‘we were back to being close by tour, joined at the hip it felt like sometimes, so what was a few kisses on stage? We wanted to give the fans what they wanted.’

‘Yeah,’ Adam agrees. ‘It evolved naturally. I was still the front man, but there has always been this aura about the two of us on stage. Monte used to comment on it when we watched back videos. What did he call it again?’ Adam turns and asks Tommy.

‘He said, “you two orbit around each other like the sun and the moon,” which was a terrible analogy but we got the point. It freaked me out at first. I mean this was Adam’s show, he was the star, not me. I was just the bass player. It’s meant to be the guitarist that stands beside the singer doing all those solos. So I made sure to stand back and out of the way as much as I could. But he kept dragging me in and putting me in the spotlight.'

‘You were my anchor out there,’ Adam says. ‘I wanted you to experience the utter joy of having people screaming your name. The others all had such experience with big crowds.’

‘Well it seemed to work,’ I add. ‘Every show was sold out and the fans ate up the way you two connect on stage.’

‘It was no hardship kissing Adam that’s for sure,’ Tommy says, grinning. 

I have to ask. ‘It stayed as kissing?’

‘On stage, of course! Mostly.’ Adam laughs.

‘Off stage?’

They both blush. It’s definitely an ‘ah huh’ moment. ‘Oh? Tell me more.’

‘Well truthfully, it was pretty much just kissing,’ Adam says.

‘True,’ Tommy adds. ‘But living closely as we were on tour for six months, occasionally-‘

‘Less than that,’ Adam interrupts. ‘Maybe twice…’

‘Okay, maybe twice. Add Munich and Amsterdam and an alcohol fuelled curiosity on my part…’

‘And my utter irresistibility…’

Tommy deadpans. ‘Nope, it was definitely the drugs.’

They both crack up and it feels like an inside joke. It’s really all I can do to smile at them, because there are interesting thoughts in my head about exactly what happened. Pretty sure I’m not going to be allowed a glimpse that far into their personal lives. 

‘Europe was an eye opener,’ Tommy says when he stops laughing. 

‘Yeah,’ Adam agrees. ‘There were many nights on the US leg of the tour that we’d all sit around drinking and relaxing. Tommy would always snuggle up to me, or use those strong fingers of his giving me a massage after a show.’

Tommy waggles his fingers. ‘Guitar playing gives your fingers strength, flexibility and endurance.’

‘Callouses, though,’ Adam says. ‘Anyway, he gives a great massage. Used to send me off into a bliss-filled stupor.’

‘Hedonist.’ Tommy jokes. 

‘I never told him until later that whenever I felt like I needed one of his kisses I’d deliberately groan. A lot.’ Adam smirks. ‘He was, still is, always pretty free with his kisses.’

They look into each other’s eyes and smile that private smile they share. The one that speaks of thousands of shared thoughts and dreams and kisses and words. 

‘You mentioned Europe being an eye opener, Tommy,’ I remind him. ‘In what way?’

‘Well,’ he says dragging his eyes back to mine. ‘While Adam and I were close, extremely close, it felt dysfunctional in many ways, because we weren’t together and yet there was something there. People assumed stuff that wasn’t happening, but maybe looked like it was and so they treated us as if it were.’

‘That’s right,’ Adam agrees. ‘I guess there was no mistaking what I wanted, even though I tried to hide my feelings as best I could.’

‘You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve, Adam,’ I say.

‘Hm,’ is all he says, not sounding happy about it. 

‘Europe was just freer,’ Tommy says. ‘And more unreal. It felt like a whole different world and my perspective changed on a lot of things. And you know what they say about best laid plans coming unstuck?’

_’Tommy, you coming?’ Isaac called from the hotel hallway outside Tommy’s room._

_‘Later, I need some down time,’ Tommy called back. He really didn’t feel like braving the cold of the night, let alone the crowds at the club. Besides, watching Adam schmooze over some boy in a nightlclub was not his favourite way of spending an evening. Especially as he didn’t dance. At all. Ever. Which usually meant he table sat with Monte, nursing several drinks, and watching everyone else enjoy themselves._

_He had to admit, he was tired. And confused as hell._

_‘Tommy, open up,’ Isaac said._

_Tommy sighed and opened the door, prepared to defend his need for some alone time, only to see the determined look on Isaac’s face. Clearly he wasn’t going to be able to escape the questions. Tommy knew that look so he stepped aside and let Isaac in. ‘I’m not really in the mood for this,’ he protested weakly, knowing it was futile._

_‘Tough. This is the third time this week you’ve not wanted to go out with us. Adam thinks he’s done something to piss you off. Brooke thinks you’re missing home but Monte reckons you’re just wanking.’ Isaac finished with a grin that didn’t reach his eyes._

_‘Not any of that,’ Tommy insisted. ‘And I’m not mad at Adam,’ he argued. ‘Just…fuck.’_

_‘Maybe that’s your problem,’ Isaac said slyly. ‘We all know there is something going on between the two of you.’_

_‘Nothing’s going¬-‘ Tommy started._

_Isaac held his hands up in front of him. ‘Not our business what it is and I’m not interfering at all,’ Isaac interrupted. ‘But whatever is going on in that pretty head of yours is affecting the rest of us. This is not like you.’_

_‘You know I like time to myself,’ Tommy insisted._

_‘Yes, and state side it was fine but over here you said you wanted to see all the nightlife, experience all the things.’_

_‘And so?’_

_‘We worry about you.’_

_‘Yeah, well you don’t need to worry about me,’ Tommy said, heading to the mini bar and grabbing a beer. ‘I’m fine. You can all go out and enjoy yourselves. Tell Monte I’m wanking if it makes you feel any better.’ He popped the cap and took a healthy swig of the cold beer. He grimaced at the taste and muttered under his breath. ‘We only ever end up watching Adam pick up his sleazy one night stands anyway.’_

_‘You’re jealous?’_

_Isaac’s incredulous tone makes Tommy swear silently._

_‘Since when have you cared that he picks up more often than not?’_

_‘I don’t care,’ Tommy lied. He did care; he just had no idea why, and why now after he’d only ever given fleeting thought to dating Adam himself, way back at that awkward as fuck Valentine’s dinner._

_‘You do or you wouldn’t be so bitchy about it,’ Isaac argued. ‘C’mon man, we can dance around this all night but we both know you’ll end up talking because I’m not leaving until you do. Or you can cut the shit now and just tell me what’s going on. Get it over and done with.’_

_Isaac was a real fucking piece of work when he was right. It wasn’t that often, really, but the man was perceptive when it came to his friends. Fucker, Tommy thought._

_‘Geez, all right,’ he said giving in reluctantly. ‘Get yourself a beer and sit down.’_

_Isaac did as he was told with a barely concealed grin. ‘Will I have to tear the boss-man a new one after this?’ he asked._

_‘What? No! What makes you say that?’_

_‘Just asking. Need to know if this is a three beer conversation or a six pack.’ Isaac sits down opposite Tommy._

_A wry grin lifted the corner of Tommy’s mouth. ‘How do you figure that?’_

_‘Well,’ Isaac replied pulling the top off the bottle and taking a swig. ‘If I am going to hear about a sexual identity crisis, that might be a three beer job, but, man, if I need to rip the boss a new one and lose my job it might take a six pack.’_

_‘I think your job’s safe.’ Tommy feels oddly gratified that he has such a good friend in Isaac – who is pretty sure would never contemplate hurting Adam, least of all because Adam is twice his size. Isaac’s intentions were clear though; he was supporting Tommy all the way. Which was hardly fair to Adam really. None of this was Adam’s fault._

_‘Sexual identity crisis it is then,’ Isaac grins. ‘Too bad, I coulda kicked his ass for you. After a six pack.’_

_‘Right.’ Tommy said doubtfully and then laughed. Despite the knot of confused anxiety sitting heavy in his stomach, he felt like he was being a drama queen about everything. It was all a bit ridiculous. Nice to see Isaac wasn’t intimidated by what was surely a mid-life crisis – at the ripe old age of twenty-nine._

_For a moment Tommy played with the idea of telling Isaac it was really nothing, and joining the gang at the club. Isaac opening his beer, taking a long sip and looking at Tommy intently put paid to that idea. Isaac was like a bloody terrier; once he grabbed onto an idea he wasn’t letting it go until he was satisfied. And Tommy knew he would only be satisfied with the truth. Shit of it was though that Tommy was so damned confused he had no idea what the truth was._

_‘So, spill. When did you decide that Adam’s dick did it for you?’_

_Tommy snorted and almost choked on his own beer._

_‘Oh, come on, you can’t tell me nothing’s happened. All this kissing and cuddling and stupid cheesy nicknames for each other. I know you’re really close, besties even, but…’_

_Tommy tried to shrug it off as nothing. ‘Couple drunken hook-ups. Nothing much. A hand is a hand is a hand, right…?’ He failed spectacularly at being casual and he knew it._

_‘Really? Don’t remember you ever offering me or Monte or Terr…’_

_‘Ew, Isaac,’ Tommy protested._

_‘Which kinda proves my point.’_

_Tommy looked at him exasperated because that meant nothing at all. Nothing._

_‘Tommy,’ Isaac said seriously. ‘There is nothing wrong with admitting you’re attracted to Adam. You denying it is kinda like you saying being attracted to a guy is a bad thing…’_

_‘I’d never think that!’ Tommy protested, annoyed Isaac could even suggest that._

_‘How it comes across, dude. Everything you and Adam have been fighting against._

_‘Really?’ Tommy felt like he’d been slugged in the gut. Was he really so set on preserving his heterosexuality at all costs? Even at the expense of making his attraction to Adam a less than desirable option?_

_‘Okay, so I am attracted to him,’ Tommy admitted. ‘I seriously don’t think that’s the problem though. It’s more why am I attracted to him.’_

_‘How do you mean?’_

_‘Like…I mean he’s hot and he has amazing eyes and legs, and…’_

_‘Wait, are you going to list everything you like about him?’_

_‘No, why?’ Tommy frowned._

_‘Just asking. I’d tune out for a while if you were.’_

_‘Dick,’ Tommy said, kicking his ankle._

_‘Well, you talk about him all the time, Tommy. I heard it all before, dude.’_

_‘I do not talk about him all the time. Do I?’_

_Isaac nodded and Tommy sighed, giving in._

_‘I just… like, he’s so great and I can never forget he gave me this amazing opportunity to experience all this…’_

_‘And you earned your place in this band. And don’t you ever forget it.’_

_‘I know, I know.’ Tommy nods. ‘But this attraction thing…it’s come out of nowhere.’_

_‘I doubt that. What’s the problem being attracted to him, then? You know he wears his heart on his sleeve for you. You gotta know it’s returned, dude.’_

_‘Is it attraction though, and not just gratitude?’ Tommy voiced the fear he’d been carrying the last few weeks. Ever since that hand hadn’t really felt like just any hand but_ Adam’s _hand._

_Even before then Tommy knew he’d do anything for Adam, he adored him, looked up to him, dare he even think it…worshipped him. But all that had become tangled in this thing he could only name as attraction. And what if it was for all the wrong reasons?_

_‘I can’t tell you how you feel, dude, but he’s obviously into you so you gotta make sure, cos it looks like he thinks it’s mutual.’_

_Tommy cringed and shook his head. ‘I know it kinda is, but we sorta talked about it.’_

_‘Kinda? Sorta? You talked or you didn’t.’_

_‘He…’ Damn, but this talking about “feelings” was shit. And Tommy was shit at it; he never could find the right words. ‘He …’ oh, fuck it, Tommy thought. ‘I told him… he asked me and I told him I couldn’t date him.’_

_‘Wow. For real?’ Isaac indicated he wanted another beer so Tommy, happy for the interruption, obliged. When he sat down again, Isaac faced him._

_‘When?’_

_‘Ages ago. I mean I had thought about it, because yeah, I love the man to bits and we’re so good together on stage and close as brothers off stage and…’ Tommy shrugged._

_‘But you still considered yourself straight?’_

_‘Something like that,’ Tommy agreed._

_‘So why the action then?’_

_Tommy snorted. ‘You know that as well as we do. Drugs and alcohol and a latent curiosity freed when inhibitions flew out the window.’_

_‘So your straight is bendy now then?’_

_Tommy wrinkled his nose and shook his head. ‘Think Adam might be the only one I would have tried anything with. My only exception, if you will.’_

_‘Let me get this straight. You and Adam are so good together that you consider being with him, decide not to because you’re actually straight, and now after all these months, experiment with him, and decide that maybe you should after all?’_

_‘Well, yes but is the attraction real? Like, am I just getting used to all the kissing and cuddling because I’m so comfortable with him, or…?’_

_‘Does it matter that much why? You like the guy, you want him, so why not?’_

_Tommy huffed. ‘Because it has to be for the right reasons! What if it’s not?’_

_‘Then one of you gets hurt. Look, you take the same risk in any relationship you enter into. Wake up, Tommy. Love is worth nothing if it’s not worth the risk of getting hurt._

*****

‘And he was right,’ Tommy said.

‘And you went for it?’ I ask. I’m sure there’s a sappy smile on my face, but it soon fades.

‘Yes and no,’ Adam says. He looks at Tommy. ‘Tommy told me he wanted to be with me for real.’ There’s an odd look on Adam’s face. It’s hard to tell if it’s regret or guilt. ‘I probably shouldn’t have …’

Tommy interrupts emphatically. ‘Don’t, Adam. Things happened that way for a reason and, apart from people being hurt in the process, I wouldn’t have it any other way because it brought us to the here and now. We’re here together now, aren’t we? And that’s what’s important. We have three gorgeous kids between us and nothing in this world will tear us apart. Don’t feel guilty.’

‘But…’ Tommy gives him a look and Adam stops. Intrigued isn’t the word for what I’m feeling now and I am loathe to intrude. ‘Okay,’ he nods. ‘The night Tommy told me he wanted to be with me, we were in…London. I thought something was up the way he took charge of the Fever kiss.’ There is a smug look on Tommy’s face and I remember that kiss.

‘So it was after the show and we were all a mix of happy, sad, being the last of the Europe leg and only a couple of shows in LA to do. We were celebrating as only the “Glamily” could, at a club. Tommy dragged me into a quiet place and told me that I should forget about the ten years he’d asked for and just go for it because he’d changed his mind. Could have knocked me over with a feather, that’s for sure. I had doubts,’ Adam frowns, ‘wondering if he knew what he was getting in for, if the heady excitement of the end of tour was overcoming his better judgement. But I was overwhelmed by the moment; by finally being given the chance to be with him for real and I put them aside.’

‘And we made out most of the night,’ Tommy adds, laughing to lighten the atmosphere.

‘I have to admit that was nice,’ Adam says smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

‘Adam, come on, it was a long time ago.’

‘I know but if I hadn’t…’

Hadn’t what?

*****

_‘I don’t care how grateful he is or how drunk the two of you were, plenty of people saw you together, a lot of the crew saw you two in a very compromising situation. I will not have your image ruined by the controversy of lies about your bass player’s sexuality!’ Lane ranted. ‘All the credibility you’ve gained, the two of you gained about educating people, building tolerance and acceptance and advocating for gay rights, would be ruined if you now claim Tommy isn’t straight. You’d set back the gay rights movement decades and you know it. You might not like it but you have a responsibility to more than your own life now. There is simply no way that you two can date and that’s all I have to say on the matter.’_

_Adam was glad Tommy wasn’t here to hear Lane in a temper. Not after the tongue lashing he took when he lost his passport._

_‘What if I don’t care about what anyone thinks and about having some sort of “social responsibility”? This is my life we’re talking about here, I’m not some robot!’_

_‘And if you hadn’t insisted every god damned time you opened your mouth that Tommy was straight, NONE of this would matter. But you did and now it fucking does matter.’_

_‘Why does what I do matter to anyone? Why does who I date matter to anyone?’_

_‘You think the backlash after the AMAs was bad? This will be a hundred times worse.’_

_Adam scowled, disbelieving. ‘People have moved on. Times have changed.’_

_‘You’re fucking joking, right? There are vast numbers of people in America that hate you because you’re gay, think you’re a corrupter of morals for kissing Tommy on national television, or hate you for being unapologetic about it. Still. That hasn’t changed, or else you’d be bigger than Gaga right now.’_

_‘So they’re haters and homophobes, why do they matter?’_

_‘Because, you moron, it won’t be enough that you’re gay, you’ll become a predator in their eyes, preying on nice little straight boys and corrupting them. Straight men will begin to see all gay guys as predators and you know what happens then. Gay bashing. Or worse.’_

_‘But…’_

_‘No fucking buts, Adam.’_

_It’d be funny if the whole conversation wasn’t so fucking serious, Adam thought. Lane continued. ‘Then your own gay community will turn on you. And you may as well say goodbye to your career and any fucking thought of making a bit of goddamned difference. Ever._

_‘So just stop fucking thinking with your dick, Adam. Shit, I shouldn’t have to spell this shit out for you. He’s not worth it. No one is worth the price you’ll have to pay.’ She sighed. ‘Look, I get how you feel about him; it’s written all over your face, has been since the day you met him, but it’s just not possible right now. Not if you want a career. And if he wants one, too. Did you think about that? He’s so grateful to have this chance to live his dream.’_

_Adam wanted to haul her up for saying Tommy wasn’t worth it, because he was, but her last words stopped him and reared that doubtful mind of his. Tommy had said so many times to the press and to the fans how he owed it all to Adam, how his life was amazing and he was living his dream thanks to Adam… Tommy was mistaking love for gratitude, that’s all it was._

_God knew that Adam fell more in love with Tommy every day, but deep down he knew Tommy didn’t feel the same way. Not really. It was gratitude speaking. Maybe Tommy thought that was the only way he could repay Adam. Maybe Tommy was concerned that after GNT, Adam would leave him behind and his dream would be gone. Maybe he was trying to secure….no, Tommy wasn’t like that; he was open in his gratitude and loyalty and support. Tommy’s admiration wasn’t an obligation, he was just naturally like that._

_In the heady moments of Tommy’s kisses the previous night, Adam had thought he could do anything, conquer the world if he had to if he could only have Tommy by his side. In the harsh light of day, though, sense kicked his stupid ass and reminded him that regardless of what he preached, sometimes other things, other people took precedence over love._

_And didn’t that suck huge big hairy monkey balls._

_‘We’ll find someone else for you to date,’ Lane continued, clearly thinking she’d won the argument. Which she had, frankly. ‘How about that boy you picked up in Helsinki? He also showed up in Paris, didn’t he?’_

_‘I hate my life, I hate you and I fucking hate myself for agreeing with you,’ Adam said, throat constricting at the unfairness of everything. Ever._

_He knew he was being overly dramatic about this, but for a short time he’d thought all his dreams might have a chance at coming true._

_‘I know. I fucking hate you, too, at times. Now, we’ll tell the press if, when, it gets out that you guys were just celebrating over enthusiastically and Tommy is still straight and, no, you’re not together. Right?’_

_Feeling like he was signing a death warrant, Adam nodded. ‘But at least let me tell Tommy first. Fuck. How am I supposed to do that?’_

*****

‘Oh, Adam.’ I sigh feeling awful for him. ‘That must have been excruciating.’

Tommy speaks softly. ‘So he told me and the next day sent me home on the plane, while he went to Paris.’

‘I remember your tweets from that time and it was pretty clear you really didn’t want to be home and would rather have been in Paris.’

‘Is it okay if we don’t speak about that?’ Tommy asks. ‘I know we said tell all but there was a lot of people I wasn’t very nice to, and…’

‘Perhaps it’s better if you say something about that time,’ Adam says. ‘It was horrible for you, and it was my fault. I don’t want to hide from taking the blame for that.’

‘It’s not your fault, I keep telling you that,’ Tommy insists, clearly irritated.

Adam sighs and looks out over the lawn to his friends and family enjoying themselves in the sun. ‘I know you forgave me but it doesn’t change the facts of what happened and that I could have handled everything a lot better than I did.’

‘But…’

‘It’s part of our story, Tommy,’ Adam says softly, looking back to him. ‘I’m not perfect and I know I fucked things up and I need to take responsibility for that. Right from the start I fucked one thing up after another. We may not have had to stay secret had I done things properly at the start.’

‘Stop, Adam,’ Tommy says abruptly. ‘You know damned well that’s not why we didn’t announce to the world that we’re together.’

These two grow more intriguing by the minute and I can only thank my lucky stars that they chose me to tell their story to. 

‘Either you tell or I will.’

‘Fine.’ Tommy’s jaw is clenched and it’s easy to tell he’s not going to be comfortable talking about this time in his life.

*****

_Tommy tossed his bag down onto his bed so hard it bounced off and onto the floor. He ignored it and kicked his suitcase, barely even caring that he’d fucking hurt his toe, godammit. Despite that, he kicked it again, hoping he’d broken something inside it, even though he knew it was mostly clothes…and make up. Well, the make up could go take a running jump into the lake for all he cared. The way he felt at the moment he might never wear it again._

_It took a lot to get Tommy angry and right now he was fucking fuming. And hurt. A little. Maybe a lot. He was angrier at Adam than he was hurt, truth be told._

_Ignoring his aching toe, he paced his bedroom several times, pleased that at least Mike wasn’t home. It saved explanations as to his mood. How could he explain making a fool of himself over his boss?_

_‘We’re better off as friends, Tommy,’ Tommy mimicked Adam. ‘You’ll go home and realise that it was gratitude that made you think we should try being together. You’re my closest friend, I don’t want to lose that. I think we need to spend some time apart. Then you’ll see…’_

_‘I’ll fucking see, alright,’ Tommy muttered. ‘Sending me home like a fucking child that doesn’t know shit.’_

_‘Shit.’ He’d managed to keep his emotions in check all the way home. Only almost losing it on twitter… he’d have to watch that. No pissing off_ Adam’s _fans. Can’t have that._

_They got nasty when you pissed them off; he’d learnt that much._

_Well, they had no idea… Tommy threw himself on the bed and covered his eyes with his arm. He should never have listened to Isaac. And fucking Lambert should have never spent the night making out with him like a stupid horny schoolboy only to decide he didn’t want that anyway._

_Adam didn’t want him. That was all there was to it. Adam was now in Paris ‘resting’ while Tommy was back in fucking horrible LA, fuming. And being upset. Rejected._

_He felt weighed down with the pain in his heart, so much that he thought it might make him stagger if he tried to stand. Then he told himself he was being ridiculous; it was just a crush god damn it. On his boss for fuck’s sake. He was not in love with a man, with his best friend._

_Tommy had no doubt their friendship would survive this. He was pretty sure it would survive anything, really, although he saw the logic in spending some time apart. Tommy thought he needed it anyway, after that humiliation._

_At the memory, his throat closed over and he had to cough to prevent his suddenly watery eyes from leaking. Must be dust in his unused bedroom making his eyes hurt._

*****

_After spending most of the first week back from tour in his room, Tommy wasn’t surprised when Mike barged in one day and dragged his sorry ass into the bathroom and told him to shower and put clean clothes on because his mom was coming over._

_‘I hate you, fucker,’ Tommy spat. There was no heat in it though. Tommy wasn’t mad with Mike._

_‘I am sick of you feeling sorry for yourself because tour is over.’_

_‘Not over,’ Tommy mumbled. ‘Still got a couple more shows.’_

_‘Right. And how is that going to work when you can’t even drag yourself out of your room?’_

_‘Dick.’ Tommy started undressing, peeling of his stinking clothes and tossing them at Mike, who ducked._

_‘You’re cleaning those up, too.’_

_‘So fuck off and get out unless you want my skinny ass,’ he said. ‘No one else does,’ he muttered under his breath._

_‘Wrong bits, Tommy boy. Now shower and have coffee with your mom and assure her that you’re still alive. She worries.’_

_‘I’m fucking fine,’ Tommy grumbled, but stood under the steaming hit jets of the shower anyway. And perversely felt better for it._

_Several minutes later, clean and dressed and fortified with coffee, Tommy greeted his mom who looked like she was worried and trying not to be._

_‘Tommy, I’ve been getting so many calls from your friends saying you won’t answer the phone,’ his mom said after she’d hugged him to death.’ And you’ve lost weight again. You need to eat more!’_

_Tommy took a moment to catch his breath. ‘Didn’t feel like talking to anyone.’_

_“You should. They’re your friends.’_

_Tommy snorted. ‘Most of them haven’t been in touch in years. Not until I got this gig with Adam.’ Tommy winced at saying his name. He’d managed to not think about him for at least a day. An hour. Okay, he admitted, a few minutes. He must stop that. ‘Don’t need that sort of friend.’_

_‘You need something. What’s wrong with you?’_

_‘Nothing’s wrong. Why can’t people just leave me alone? You know I get like this.’_

_‘But usually you’re willing to speak on the phone. This shutting yourself off completely is new.’_

_‘It’s no big deal. You’re here, now, so get me up to date on things. How are you doing?’ Tommy asked hoping to change the subject. He loved his mom, but if she didn’t stop harping at him he’d say something he’d regret. And she didn’t deserve that, not after losing dad not too long ago._

*****

_‘There’s a picture of your boy on the internet,’ Isaac said. ‘With that boy he picked up in Helsinki. The one who came to Paris as well…’_

_‘Really, well he can fuck who he likes can’t he?’ Tommy hadn’t even spoken to Adam since he’d left._

_Fuck. He didn’t waste much time, did he? Tommy wasn’t sure to describe how hurt he was. He wished Adam had told him he was going to be seeing that guy again. Why wasn’t Tommy good enough for him anyway? That’s what it felt like… Adam had rejected Tommy so he could go find that boy he fucked on tour, ergo Tommy wasn’t good enough.  
He wasn’t going to cry about it, he wasn’t. _

_The only way to dissolve the crushing hurt was to numb it, and Tommy was becoming very proficient indeed at numbing himself. The growing number of empty bottles in his room was testament to that._

*****

_‘Don’t forget you’re gonna come play bass for me,’ Monte reminded him._

_‘Tomorrow, yeah sure. Sick as a dog, though,’ Tommy said, knowing it was a goddamned excuse but not caring one whit. He could be sick. He certainly looked it. After those two emotional shows to finish off tour, his drinking problem had worsened. At least he knew he had a problem – bigger problem was that he didn’t care. Adam had barely come near him the last two shows, except on stage, and even then it was perfunctory._

_He wondered if the friendship was going to survive after all._

_And he’d heard Adam telling someone about the boy from Finland – Tommy didn’t want to even give him his name. Adam looked happy. Sort of. Everyone was happy. Sad tour was over but happy. Happy, happy, fucking happy._

_Only Sutan seemed to pick there was anything wrong, but Tommy refused to talk about it._

_He spotted that Liz from Ali’s band and made a beeline for her, telling himself that she’d given him the come on several times on tour, even making him go shopping with her to buy him some new boots. If Adam could move on, then so could he. He was straight, so there._

_And she looked like someone he would have dated. Once. But she was insipid. Just could not in any way measure up to the big personality of Adam. Unfair as it was to compare, there it was. Without doing a fucking thing, Adam had ruined him for other people because he couldn’t help but compare._

*****

_Just as he predicted, she was a walk over. Piece of cake. After most of a bottle, anyway. And bonus, she was so fucking caught up in her religion that it wouldn’t have mattered if he had whisky dick anyway. Which he didn’t, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he did. She was nice, though. Uncomplicated. And a girl._

_Fans tried to speak to him at Monte’s show, but he begged off, telling them he was sick. He knew he looked it, because he was unshaven, pale and shaky. He also knew that most of them didn’t believe him._

_His friends had given up calling him. He didn’t blame them, barely even felt guilty for bailing out on them time after time. Mike was hardly even speaking to him._

_But he just couldn’t seem to care._

_Tommy knew he’d have to speak to Adam sooner or later, because he wasn’t giving up his place in Adam’s band because of whatever it was that was coming between them. No way was he giving up on his dream for a moment of idiocy. They’d been through too much together to throw it away over something as stupid as a silly crush. Which, Tommy assured himself, must have been exactly what it was. Just an over active imagination and a heightened sense of gratitude._

_He’d been right all along; he was attracted for all the wrong reasons._

*****

‘I eventually got over myself and the crush I had on Adam,’ Tommy says quietly. ‘Monte dragged me kicking and screaming into doing more shows with him. Even Liz turned out to be a blessing. I just wasn’t in a good head space and add that to the social anxiety I suffer, and I became a not very nice person.’

‘I didn’t help things; I could have told you the truth from the start. Could have told you about Sauli, too, instead of letting you find out from the press.’ Adam frowned. ‘Instead everything just got all fucked up.’

‘I hated that you were with him,’ Tommy admits, and I try very hard not to gasp, because I didn’t want anything to interrupt them. It was like watching a very intimate conversation just between the two of them. The videos would need serious editing later, because it would be hard to release all this raw emotion. It sounded like a conversation they probably should have already had but needed. 

‘I know. We’ve discussed this before.’

On the other hand, voyeurism isn’t on the list of things I enjoy, so...

‘Guys, would it be easier to change the subject? This should be a happy joyous story.’

Adam gives me a small smile. ‘But what would a happy ending be without the pain of getting there? An anticlimax, that’s what.’ 

‘It’s obviously an uncomfortable subject though.’

‘It was when he came to LA though that I really moved on…or thought I had,’ Tommy cuts in, sounding impatient to get on with the story now he’d started. ‘It was just like another relationship ending and I’d done that several times before. I admit, I tend to hang on longer than I should, reminisce about the good times more when I’m drinking and then get all maudlin, but that’s just me and I’m not on my lonesome there. It’s a trait lots of people have.’

‘Was it hard to work together after that?’

‘To be honest, there wasn’t a lot of work anyway. We saw each other occasionally at social functions, and talked a bit over the phone, but Adam was supposedly working on his next album.’

‘Yeah, well I was taking a break,’ Adam says a touch defensive. 

‘Yeah,’ Tommy nods. ‘It was difficult at first, frustrating waiting on this new music that never seemed to materialise. It was hard staying mad at him though. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t want me, was how I thought. And besides, I’d decided that I was obviously straight. I think the time apart did us good, too. I’m not sure we’d have got back that closeness had we forced it.’ 

‘Broke my heart,’ Adam says. ‘I always understood the distance, hated that I was the reason he needed it, hated the music business for a while, too, that it made me give him up.’

‘But you had Sauli and you were writing music, so things should have been good, right?’

Adam shrugs. ‘Should have been. I resented everything, thought that if I holidayed enough, partied enough, that it would make up for the bullshit. I wrote a lot of dark stuff during that time and perfected the public mask. And then the record company decided that I couldn’t use my own musicians on the album, Monte… well, Monte left and it felt like everyone was conspiring against me having any sort of happiness.’

‘You said at the time that is was Pharrell giving you a kick up the ass that got you on track again with the music.’

Adam gives me a short laugh. ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought. Just enough of a kick to do enough to keep the record company happy. It was not some of my best work.’

‘And a lot of good it did anyway, they made so many wrong choices with the songs for that album and then refused to promote it,’ Tommy interrupts and the annoyance can still be seen clearly on his face even after all this time.

‘Meh,’ Adam shrugs. ‘It’s history, Tommy. Long time ago and we were vindicated, right?’

‘I guess so.’ He smiles and rubs Adam’s arm lovingly. 

‘Anyway,’ I press. 

‘Ah yes,’ Adam says, smiling now. 

‘So, Adam you’re in a new relationship, Tommy you’re sort of seeing someone and for a while at least on the surface things looked good. Am I right?’ 

‘On the surface, yeah, but underneath things weren’t so great. No matter what I did, Sauli refused to try and work in the US. I had the record company set him up with some work other than that video blog he did, but he said that it wasn’t right for him and stopped.’

‘That must have been hard living with that.’

‘It was. He was bored. He’d moved all the way to the US, I was in the studio working and he had nothing and no one.’

‘We all tried with him,’ Tommy says. ‘Sutan took him out, Adam’s mom took him out, too. In the end he preferred hanging out with ex-pats and taking his anger out on Adam.’

‘Oh no, not like that,’ Adam insists at seeing my incredulous look. 

‘He just yelled a lot, became rude to fans…’

‘Only Neil can get away with that.’ Tommy laughs.

‘True,’ Adam agrees. 

‘Although there was the jail incident.’

Adam cringes. ‘Jetlag and too much alcohol. Not a good combination. Plus Sauli intimated he wanted to stay in Finland. Suggested that I should move there, too. I just cracked, got a bit tired and emotional and started yelling. Should have known that was the deathknell.’

‘But you both came back to LA and tried to make it work?’

‘Well I came back to an album that was wasn’t working, resenting everyone and everything. The only bright spot in my life was Tommy. I became argumentative with my friends and family, even though I love them all so much. I’m surprised that any of them hung around. Surprised Tommy hung around.’

‘Love you now, loved you then, dude,’ Tommy says. 

‘Ironically, everything just brought us closer together.’

*****

_’Time to leave, Adam, c’mon,’ Tommy grabbed Adam’s elbow and tried to make him stand up, but the man was three sheets to the wind and not a small man, so he had just about no luck._

_‘We goin?’ Adam looked up blearily at Tommy, who sighed._

_‘Yeah, dude, come on, stand up, there’s a good boy.’ Tommy heaved and Adam rose unsteadily and slumped his arm over Tommy’s shoulder._

_‘Who you callin’ goo’ boy?’ Adam slurred, turning and nuzzling his face into Tommy’s hair._

_Fuck, where was that stupid Finn? He was Adam’s boyfriend; he should be taking care of him. But he was dancing and enjoying himself, apparently. So, instead Tommy had to be the watcher. Again. It was getting tiring. Night after night of clubbing and partying and drinking and drugs. Adam looked shocking. He looked ….old. That was what scared Tommy. Adam was younger than him and yet he looked a decade older._

_He made his way out the club’s back door and loaded Adam into the waiting car. It had become habit now to have the service leave a car and driver ready behind whatever club they were at. He climbed in beside Adam and asked the driver to take them back to Adam’s place. Fuck Surli, he could find his own way home._

_Getting an extremely drunk, only partially conscious Adam inside was almost impossible, but at the last moment the driver came and helped._

_‘Thanks, man,’ Tommy said gratefully, rubbing the aching shoulder that had taken the brunt of Adam’s deadweight._

_‘No problem. Not my place but he needs to rethink his life choices.’_

_Tommy sighed. ‘Yeah, well I guess he’s lucky that the service pays you well not to speak about what you see.’_

_‘Oh, always. He’s a nice guy and not the worst I’ve seen…but he could he heading that way if he doesn’t make some changes.’_

_‘Right. Anyway, thanks,’ Tommy said, closing the door behind the driver._

_When he turned back to Adam, he noticed he was sweating and beginning to look very pale. Tommy muttered ‘oh shit’ and lunged for the huge glass bowl on the coffee table that was usually filled with sweets. Not ideal, but it would have to do. He shoved it under Adam’s chin in the nick of time and just about every drink Adam had ever had came back up._

_Scrunching his nose up at the smell and the sounds, Tommy held the bowl for Adam and waited for him to finish. Then he hurriedly took the bowl to the bathroom and flushed the contents down the toilet. He placed the bowl in the shower and ran the water over it for a bit while he wet a facecloth, grabbed the tissues and returned to Adam._

_‘Here,’ he said, handing Adam the washcloth. Adam’s eyes were still red and he looked wrecked. After so many times now, though, Tommy’s sympathy was wearing low._

_He wondered how many times he was going to be able to be around to keep picking up the pieces._

*****

‘Did that happen a lot?’

‘More than I’d like to admit,’ Adam replied. ‘I don’t think I would have made it at all without Tommy there to pick me up time after time.’

‘Daddy! Daddy!’ a child screams, and we all immediately turn to where it’s coming from to see a blonde little tyke running hard as he can towards us holding his bleeding arm.

‘What’s the matter, sport,’ Tommy asks while the child clambers into his lap.

Tommy seems like a natural dad, comfortable with a bleeding child in his arms.

‘Hurt myself. Falled off the swing,’ the troubled reply came back, laced with sniffs.

‘Oh dear,’ Tommy said, just as Leila arrived.

‘Sorry,’ she says, ‘no one but you would do and he took off before I had the chance to catch him. Not as young as I used to be. It’s just a scratch, really.’

‘It’s okay,’ Adam says taking the child’s arm.

‘And how did you fall off the swing, Dylan?’ Tommy asks softly, petting the child’s hair.

‘Abby says I is a baby and says I has to swing higher and I did, Daddy, but then I gots scared and let go.’ 

‘Oh, did she now?’ Tommy says. ‘Come on then, let’s go look at your arm and put a band aid on it, yeah?’

The little blond child nods, sticks his thumb in his mouth and lets Tommy carry him off to get mended. He puts out his little hand and tells Adam to come too, so Adam follows both of them and Leila sits down and watches them walk away. 

‘He’s so good with kids,’ Leila says. ‘I saw it with other people’s children but it doesn’t always translate to your own. With him, though, it’s like he was born to have kids.’

‘Tommy or Adam?’ I ask.

She laughs. ‘Both, I guess.’

‘I don’t want to pry,’ I start and then laugh, because who am I kidding, that’s my job. Although, today has been surreal enough that it doesn’t feel like a job, I feel like I am welcomed as part of their world and perhaps that affords them the idea of privacy I’d like to give them. 

Leila laughs again. ‘But you will, right? Dylan is Tommy’s. He also has Gemma, who is six.’ Leila points out a child that is chasing a dog around. The girl has long dark hair and appears to be giggling so hard she can hardly run. ‘We call her Apples,’ Leila says with a fond smile on her face. ‘When she was a baby the only thing she’d eat for months was apples. Lucky she was just a baby and didn’t need solid food to survive at that stage.’

‘They’re beautiful children,’ I say. ‘I met Abby earlier. She’s adorable.’

“Oh, yes, she is Adam’s biologically and she is adorable, but sometimes it’s like she was spawned by the devil.’

I laugh. ‘Who is her mother?’

But I’ve gone one step too far. ‘That’s for them to decide if they want to tell you or not.’

‘Fair enough,’ I reply. 

‘I didn’t even want them to tell you they’re together, but I see their reasoning for it,’ she says candidly. ‘I’ve seen what the press can do to relationships before and they’ve had fifteen years of relative peace that will be destroyed by this revelation.’

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt guilty for my profession as much as I do at the moment, because she is right. Media can ruin good people when used the wrong way. Hopefully, I could do it the right way.

‘Why are they coming out now, then?’

‘Because Apples will be starting school soon and there’s no way to keep all this quiet. Both of them want to be very involved in her schooling. That’s going to become public knowledge sooner or later, so they’re pre-empting all the fuss.’

‘How have they managed to keep it quiet for so long anyway?’ I wonder.

She just smiles at me. ‘That’s for them to tell you. May I just ask one favour?’

‘Sure.’ I’m not sure what I can do for her. 

Adam and Tommy come back outside, Tommy carrying a tray of drinks and snacks, and Dylan is running around quite happily now, sporting a band-aid on his arm. ‘Drinks,’ Adam calls as Tommy places the tray on a table away from where we’re sitting, but close by. 

‘Be gentle with them when you tell their story. They went through a lot to be together, it would be nice if you told their story with compassion.’

‘I can do that.’

‘Good. I’d hate to see anything bad happen to wreck that.’ She nods towards where other children have run up to hugs and kisses. There is a few more than just Adam and Tommy’s kids but they’re all treated with the same love. There are smiles all around and the sounds of chattering children intermingle with directions from Adam or Tommy to sit down while they’re drinking, or close their mouth while they’re chewing. It’s all so normal and family oriented, I wonder if they should tell their story at all. Why take that risk? There were still people out there that would crucify them both. Some things had changed, but not enough. This was a family that deserved their peace. 

‘I’d better go take over so you can finish your interview,’ Leila says, standing.

‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘Thank you for speaking with me.’

‘My pleasure,’ she says smiling and I know there is iron under that smile. She walks away, ever the gracious matriarch despite her years. 

A few moments later Adam and Tommy rejoin me. They’re smiling and seem fortified by their interactions with the children. It almost feels mean to get them to return where they left off in their story. 

‘Sorry about that,’ Adam says, ‘but the children come first. Always.’

‘Oh, I completely understand. I have two of my own, I know what it’s like.’

‘It’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced before,’ Tommy says, and I smile. 

‘I actually gave birth to mine, so imagine how attached I am,’ I say. 

They give each other a significant look. It clearly has meaning for them but it leaves me lost. All I can assume is it’s something about the children’s mother – mothers? 

‘Being a dad is the best thing I’ve ever done,’ Adam says, pride and awe lining his tone. Tommy agrees but then teases Adam.

‘You weren’t saying that when we had Abby and she kept us awake for three months solid.’

‘And wait until they’re teenagers,’ I add, unable to resist being smug as someone who had survived the teenage years. 

‘Shut up both of you,’ Adam huffs. ‘We have perfect children who will be angels through their teenage years.’

‘Of course they will,’ Tommy consoles. 

‘Anyway, while they’re distracted with food, shall we continue?’ I ask. ‘I would love to sit and chat with you for weeks but I’m sure you don’t want that.’

‘No offense, but no,’ Tommy laughs. ‘Where were we?’

‘Adam being in a bad place.’

‘Seems like all we’ve spoken about is one or the other being in a bad place,’ Adam laments. 

‘All heading for our happy ending,’ Tommy reassures him. ‘And it wasn’t all bad. We had some great times. Like when I flew to London to see you performing with Queen. That was surreal.’

‘It was. Fabulous experience. Although you doing that reminded me just how fucking special you are and how lucky I was to have someone like you in my life.’

‘I have to say that you hid this bad place you were in pretty well,’ I say.

‘Years of acting on the stage.’ Adam laughs. ‘But it was horrible,’ Adam says. ‘Nothing was going right, even after finishing the album. No one was happy with it; even Sauli didn’t like it.’

‘To be fair he didn’t like any of your music, though,’ Tommy adds. ‘It wasn’t bad, just they didn’t do a great job of picking the singles and some of the songs on there shouldn’t have been.’

‘It stunk. Let’s face it. There was a few good songs on it but generally…’

‘What were your favourites?” I ask interested. He’d always said in the past that it was too hard to choose. Like trying to choose your favourite child, he imagined. 

‘I can admit now I wrote a couple of them for Tommy,’ he says. ‘Chokehold and Nirvana. Both of those are definitely among my favourites. Looking back at that time I’m sure I was grieving for Tommy. We’d sort of moved past it all by then but I still loved him, still would rather have been with him. Not that I consciously thought that; I really did try with Sauli.’

Tommy sits there quietly, preferring to stay out of this part of the conversation. 

‘Nirvana was a dream,’ Adam continues. ‘Chokehold was much darker. Full of blues influences.’ He smiles at Tommy. 

Tommy gives him a tight grin.

‘So when did you hit rock bottom?’ I ask.

*****

_‘C’mon, Tommy, I need an answer by tomorrow.’_

_‘I know, Jared, but it’s not an easy decision to make, you know.’_

_‘It is,’ Jared said with what sounded like long suffering patience. ’You can come back to play with him when we’re done. It won’t be forever. You need to work and it doesn’t look like he’s going to have anything for you for a while at least.’_

_‘I know but he means a lot to me and if I left to play with you, I doubt he’d have me back.’_

_‘Sounds like he’s not in a great space right now, if industry gossip is true. You might be on a sinking ship there.’_

_‘Look, just because he’s having a hard time right now doesn’t mean he’s washed up,’ Tommy argued._

_‘I know. I know that better than most. Listen, I’ll call you tomorrow but that’s as long as we can wait. We really want you, man, you fit well and you play really well, too. Really think about your career, alright?’_

_‘Okay, I’ll let you know one way or the other tomorrow.’_

_They hung up and Tommy sighed. He was so tempted to take up the offer. He really needed to work soon or he’d be back asking his mom for rent. And he was at his wits end with Adam. Adam wasn’t happy with the album so he’d make changes then the record company wasn’t happy with it, so they’d demand changes and it seemed like a never ending circle that was wearing Adam down._

_Added to that, Sowli was making demands. Tommy thought he was a nice enough guy, but he was a terrible influence on Adam and his work ethic. To the point where Tommy had just about had enough. Though it was going to take a lot to drive Tommy away, he acknowledged that they were probably almost at that point now and if Adam didn’t do something soon, his career would be in the shitter along with Tommy’s._

_Time for some tough love, he decided, and called Adam._

_When he arrived at Adam’s he was glad that Scowli was going to be out spending time with his Finnish friends, which was all he seemed to do these days. He didn’t want anyone else to be there when he and Adam talked._

_‘Hey, Tommy, come in,’ Adam said when he opened the door. ‘You want a drink?’_

_Tommy rolled his eyes, ‘No, it’s not even lunch time.’_

_‘Never stopped you before,’ Adam said._

_You clearly haven’t been paying attention then, dude, because I’ve been looking after myself, staying healthy. You know, what you used to be…?’_

_Adam just shrugged and grabbed some juice from the fridge instead. ‘Fine, I can do that.’ He looked at the juice, frowning for several moments and then brightened. ‘As long as it has vodka in it!’ He grinned like a cheeky kid and wandered off to find some vodka._

_Tommy shook his head and followed him. ‘Adam, no,’ he said loudly._

_Adam turned and looked at him. ‘What?’_

_‘Will you stop drinking for one fucking minute and take a look at what you’re doing to your life and career!’_

_‘My career? That’s laughable. There is no career, unless it’s singing covers of other people’s material, eighties style.’_

_‘Fight them!’_

_‘How? They hold the purse strings and they decided that I should be a lounge singer. Singing covers of eighties ballads in a lounge somewhere. With this fucking voice?’_

_‘Find a different record company then, or go and argue with them!’_

_Adam shook his head. ‘I’m barely struggling to get this album released as it is. If I rock the boat too much they’ll dump it. Best just to make the best of it, hopefully book some promo, some shows and hope for a miracle hit.’_

_‘Things might go easier if you weren’t always in such a mood, too. People don’t want to be around you at the moment.’_

_‘I know,’ Adam hung his head._

_‘They’re walking away, Adam. Monte, Cam, Isaac…’ And me too, maybe, he thought, pain catching his breath. He couldn’t really leave, could he? Tough love, he reminded himself._

_‘I know, their loss, really,’ he said. ‘I have you and Sauli and my family and other close friends.’_

_‘When was the last time anyone wanted to go out with you and Sowli?’_

_Adam thought for a moment but Tommy knew he wouldn’t be able to remember._

_‘Months ago. No one can take it anymore. And I’m sick of pouring you back into cabs or cars, making sure you get home safely.’_

_‘So stop. I can look after myself.’_

_‘Right.’ Tommy sat down on the sofa beside Adam._

_‘Adam, I also need to work. I said that I’d keep myself available for you and you’d always be my priority, but there doesn’t seem to be any work for me with you.’_

_Adam raised worried eyes to Tommy. ‘Please don’t leave me, I’ll find some work, we can get some shows somewhere. Please?’_

_‘I don’t want to, but unless you pull yourself out of this funk you’re in, get healthy and get working again, I’m going to have to. I’ve been offered heaps of work and one I’m seriously considering taking.’_

_‘Who with?’_

_‘Doesn’t matter who it’s with. Someone who pays really well, lots of exposure and stuff, but it's not you. I want to play with you. You rocked my world, Adam Lambert, and let me live my dream and I don’t want to play with anyone else.’ Tommy took Adam’s hand in his and squeezed it. ‘So please don’t make me. Don’t let me go.’_

_Adam searched Tommy’s eyes and face as if wanting to make sure he was being serious. Tommy almost shoved him away in disbelief – did he look like he was only joking? No, he was fucking serious!_

_Slowly, Adam nodded. ‘I can try,’ he said._

_‘None of this trying shit, you’ll do it or I’m gone. I mean this shit, Adam.’_

_Adam’s face broke. ‘I don’t know how to fight them all anymore. The public want one thing, the record company another, Sauli wants… who the fuck knows what he wants, my mom wants something else, how the fuck am I supposed to get it all right?’_

_‘What do you want?’_

_‘I’m not sure I know anymore! I do know if you leave I’ll end up giving in to them. You fit in my puzzle, Tommy, without you there’ll be a piece missing. There’ll always be a piece missing.’_

_Tommy hated seeing Adam like this at his lowest point. Adam was generally the most positive person he knew and to see him like this – to be heaping more demands on him like this – tore at Tommy’s heart. He felt like a dick but he had no choice. He sighed._

_He reached out and gathered Adam into his arms. ‘We’ll work it out,’ he said. ‘You’ll find your fight again and we’ll kick some serious ass together and you’ll beat this, beat them all.’_

_Who the fuck was he kidding? He wasn’t going anywhere._

*****

‘Oh, I remember rumours about a 30stm offer,’ I mumble.

Tommy’s mouth drops open. ‘Didn’t realise anyone knew about that. Think Jared thought my look suited the band or something. Nice guy, though. Gorgeous eyes.’

Adam whacks him, though there’s no strength in it.

‘Teasing,’ Tommy says, eyes softening when he looks at Adam. ‘You know there will never be another man for me. Not ever. Anyway, Adam promised he would look after himself and stop drinking, and the rest is history.’

‘I promised him I would. And the moment I made the decision it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.’

‘I’m not sure Adam ever knew how close he was to losing me,’ Tommy says. ‘I went home that night after we’d sat down and developed a plan of action, called Jared and told him no.’

‘Do you regret that decision?’

Tommy chuckles. ‘Not for a second. It took a while for Adam to get his shit together, but I had faith he would. Adam signed me up for life,’ he stops and laughs as Adam huffs, ‘well for the next five years, so I had a regular income. I felt guilty when there was nothing for me to do, so I started hanging around the studio and in the end they let me record some stuff. A lot of which we used on the third album.’

‘It kept him with me and that was the important thing,’ Adam adds. ‘Dented his pride a bit but I needed him and he was generous enough to hang around.’

‘The second album was released, had some initial success but the record company didn’t press for radio play and it kind of died out. We did a lot of promo for it but no one played it.’ Adam shrugs like it doesn’t hurt any more. And it probably doesn’t, he’s had so much more success since. 

‘So can I ask the question about why you and Sauli split?’ I ask tentatively, not sure of the reception that question will get. 

‘I think we’d just grown apart – he was doing his thing with his ex-pat friends, drinking, lots of drugs and stuff - and I was working really hard at getting healthy, working out, eating properly and sleeping plenty and our lives just didn’t fit any more.’

‘More like he was a bad influence. Always had been, but it took you such a long time to see it. He was the last thing to go from that unhealthy lifestyle and really crap work ethic you’d developed since he moved to LA,’ Tommy says, no hint of embarrassment about talking about an ex in such scathing terms.

Adam shrugs. ‘Probably.'

‘Look he started being rude to your fans, didn’t even want to go to any of your shows. There was just no support for you there.’

‘I know.’ Adam frowns. ‘I think organising the short Asian tour was the last straw though. He didn’t want to come. He had no work or anything on at that stage and yet he didn’t want to travel. Even though we were finishing up in Finland.’

‘So you split up before that tour started? I know people wondered at the time because you were being seen all over the place, attending functions on your own.’

‘A while before tour actually,’ Adam confirms. In October sometime, around Tommy’s birthday.’

‘Oh, when you took him out for lunch? I think the whole world wondered about that.’ I laugh.

‘Really?’ They both laugh with me. ‘We’d just been shopping, because I know Tommy hates shopping, so I had to bribe him with lunch, before he’d buy something new for tour.’

‘And it was my birthday lunch,’ Tommy adds. ‘It was nice being out without Sowli. I didn’t hate him, understand, I don’t want to come off as someone who hated him. He was nice enough, just him and Adam together were toxic on Adam’s life and health. So it was nice to be out for lunch with just Adam and I.’

‘Actually, now I think about it, that was the day I told Tommy that Sauli and I had agreed to split.’

‘Oh, it was,’ Tommy confirms. ‘I remember that day perfectly. I felt like I was getting the old Adam back and nothing made me happier than that.’

‘I think the faith you had in Adam was amazing,’ I say. ‘Not many people would have been able to risk their career on the word of someone who admits to being in a really dark place.’

‘I’ve always had faith in him,’ Tommy says, shrugging off the compliment. ‘He promised me, so I trusted him. I know he does whatever he can to keep his promises. He promised me he’d show me the world one day and I trusted him.’

‘I think that was one of the reasons people believed for so long that you were together. Your unfailing, very vocal support of Adam. You’re his biggest fan.’ 

‘There were also people who thought that was all a front, you know, that I was sucking up to the boss to make sure I kept my job.’ Tommy laughs that almost little boy giggle. ‘That just made me do it more.’

‘You’re a little shit like that, Tommy, tapping the fish bowl.’ Adam smiles at Tommy and his voice softens. ‘I always appreciated it no matter why it was done.’

‘I know.’

‘I loved you so much.’

‘I know,’ Tommy says again, squeezing Adam’s hand. 

‘But you didn’t announce that you’d broken up, why was that?’

‘A bit of self-preservation, really,’ Adam admits sheepishly. ‘We had a show booked in Finland in March, I think it was, and I had a responsibility to the promoter to deliver a concert. Sauli was pretty popular in Finland and the backlash might have made things difficult and we’d get attention for all the wrong reasons.’

‘So how hard was it keeping that secret?’

Adam rolls his eyes. ‘It became a bit of a farce really. The media in some of the Asian countries kept mistaking Tommy for my boyfriend.’ 

Tommy snorts. ‘Well, I was walking with you, and Sowli was all the way at the back, not even able to speak to you even after not seeing you for months. Was kind of obvious from our perspective.’

‘I remember that,’ I say. ‘Most of us had a good laugh about it, but it made the Tommy haters even madder. They were already pissed because of the stage time you were getting for those phenomenal solos.’

‘Ha!’

‘And all the behind the scenes manoeuvring to make sure that the media didn’t pick up just how little time we spent together when there was no cameras around was tiring.’

‘I was enjoying myself because we were playing music to audiences that loved us and I had the old, happy Adam back again. The one who could laugh at himself and his ridiculous sense of tacky.’

‘There was a story came out of Russia about a fan’s father working for the hotel and asking you for an autograph while you were waiting in the car for Sauli to arrive so you could travel to the train station to…somewhere… and Tommy was asleep on your lap. Were you guys together then, or was it just how you were?’

Tommy raises his eyebrows and looks at Adam. ‘I didn’t know about this,’ he says. 

Adam just laughs and replies, ‘Yeah, well you looked so sweet and finally sleeping I couldn’t bear to wake you. You know how little sleep you actually manage to get on tour.’ 

A small shake of Tommy’s head and a tiny smile is all he receives in reply. 

Adam continues. ‘No, we weren’t together then but I’d say we were heading that way.’

Tommy nods. ‘That whole period we were becoming super close again, but in my head I was just happy to have the old Adam, my best friend back. I wasn’t even thinking about the crush I’d had on him, told myself so often that it was just a crush, I believed it. Even if we’d both been ready to be together, which we weren’t, there was no way we’d risk Adam being seen as a cheater.’

‘Hm,’ Adam agrees. ‘I may have been a bit free and easy in my youth, but I never cheated on anyone I was with.’

‘So, eventually Sauli leaves and returns to Finland?’ I ask. 

‘Yes.’ Adam nods. ‘The fans were so supportive and terribly sad. At the time they made me feel depressed and guilty.’

‘Guilty how?’

‘Well, clearly I’d been acting so well, they believed the mask. I felt guilty for deceiving them, I guess. And depressed because they were so sad about us breaking up. By that time, all I felt was relief about the split, to be honest, but I did feel bad that the fans felt bad for me. And Sauli and I are still friends. It wasn’t an acrimonious break up.’

Tommy chortles. ‘A far cry from my twatter, where I was either blamed for the break up or being asked if I was finally going to come out of the closet and be with Adam as I should have been all along.’

‘We never did fool everyone.’ Adam laughs. 

‘True,’ I add. ‘Although when nothing happened for the longest time, even the diehards gave up. There’s always been talk of course.’

‘Of course. There is always talk. If there’s no talk it means no one is interested in what you’re doing and you may as well give up.’

‘I don’t care if people aren’t talking,’ Tommy chimes in. ‘I’d just play my music for myself and you and our kids.’

‘You’d play music underwater, in the shower, in the john and in bed if I let you,’ Adam says without a trace of sarcasm, more fond exasperation, like he’s experienced Tommy playing music in weird places many times before. It makes me grin and remember all the times Tommy would post pics of his blistered and sore fingers from playing guitar. 

‘Ha,’ Tommy huffed playfully. ‘Fender love me playing anywhere.’ 

‘As do your fans. I’m authorised to tell you that they’ll listen to whatever you want to share with them. In weird places or on stage. They love the way your fingers make the guitar speak to them.’

Tommy’s forever bashful grin at being told how good he is, is as endearing now as it was twenty years ago. 

‘The current album is a case in point. What made you think an album of your blues guitar and Adam’s voice would work?’

‘We’ve been jamming like that since we met,’ Tommy says. ‘People didn’t get how sexy blues sounds when Adam sings it.’

‘But it was never the right time to release something like that until now. You achieve a certain level of success and you can make your own trends. This works because it’s damned good music getting some airtime because of our success previously.’

‘You’ve certainly built up a reputation for great music and we never expect to hear you working with someone other than Tommy these days. Quite the dynamic duo.’ 

‘Now you know we’re together, surely you can understand why that is. Found my life soul mate as well as my musical one. Why go anywhere else when we’re so great working together?’

‘Besides,’ Tommy adds, ‘I promised him I’d stick by him, so I’ll only ever work with Adam. And it seems to be working, people like what we produce.’

‘Getting back to your story,’ I say. ‘There have always been fans who questioned whether or not you’re together.

‘Of course. New fans have no history, no perspective of context when they watch all those old videos.’

‘And they were probably more telling than we realised at the time.’

‘But you didn’t get together then? I remember at the time, Adam, you went on a bit of a party spree and seemed to be dating anyone and everything.’

‘No, not then. I was happy to be single and because I was healthy again, I was happy. I still had my best friend and most of the people I went out with were friends. Media seem to think that because I like men, anyone I’m with must be a date.’

‘But you did date?’

‘Oh yes, occasionally,’ Adam says. Tommy scrunches up his face.

‘Was that hard, Tommy?’ I ask. 

‘Not really,’ Tommy says. I was over the crush by then and way too happy to have my best friend back and healthy, to stop and be jealous over who Adam dated. And they were nice guys.’

Adam nudges Tommy’s leg with his ankle. ‘You were so jealous.’

Tommy blushes. ‘I was not. Seriously…okay, maybe a little. Told myself it was because they were monopolizing your time and I hardly ever got to see you.’

This roller coaster of a story was making my head spin. It was kind of tragic when I thought about it and if they hadn’t been so obviously head over heels for each other now and as happy as I’ve ever seen a couple that’s been together for fifteen years, I think I’d be depressed. As it is, all I’m feeling is amazed that they ever got their act together long enough to…get together. 

While Adam’s looking smug that he was right, I decide to throw in another bomb. ‘So, Adam, how did you feel that Tommy was still dating Liz?’ It had to be asked. 

Adam draws his lips tight and sighs. ‘Touché,’ he says and nods. ‘Eaten up with jealousy, if I’m honest. She’s a lovely girl. A bit…’

‘Careful,’ Tommy warns. 

‘I was just going to say she’s totally not someone I thought you’d date,’ Adam protests. 

‘Good,’ Tommy says. ‘We’re still friends,’ he tells me. ‘She’s married now and has a few kids.’

‘As I said, she’s a lovely girl. I couldn’t help that there was some resentment there, because she had my Tommy and at that stage I wondered if she was the one he was going to settle down with.’

‘In hindsight, it was never going to work. I was always only her rebellion against the strictness of her parents and her church. And we all know how much I hate organized religion.’

‘And poking the fish bowl,’ Adam adds, grinning cheekily.

‘Okay, it seems at this point that you are as far away from being together as ever. What happened that made you realise that maybe this crush you said you were over, actually wasn’t over?’

‘Working on the third album,’ Tommy says promptly. ‘Adam had left RCA by this time and he was concerned that he’d not get signed up by anyone else.’

‘Say what you will about Glee but that gave my career another kickstart,’ Adam adds.

‘True,’ Tommy agrees. ‘While we waited, we decided to just keep writing and recording.’

*****

_The music faded away as Tommy sauntered into the studio, laden with drinks and sandwiches. It had become a habit, Tommy turning up for work at about lunch time and bringing food with him. He knew Adam would probably forget to eat, so he’d taken it upon himself to remind Adam from time to time._

_‘Sounding good,’ he said tossing Adam some sandwiches._

_Adam caught the packet and inspected it. ‘It’s getting there. Still missing something, though. What’s in this?’_

_‘Healthy shit,’ Tommy replied. ‘Play it back again. I want to try something.’ He leaned over and picked up his acoustic guitar. ‘And eat! Or else you’ll pig out on junk for dinner.’_

_‘Yes, mom.’_

_The song began playing, Adam’s clear voice filling the room. Tommy loved this song; they’d written it together and, while it was a rock anthem, the first verse was slow and full of sentiment. They were hoping that ‘Beside Me’ would be the first single._

_Tommy’s fingers began plucking notes, following the tune but adding a haunting lilt to the background of the first verse until he got to the bridge._

_‘You have to do that again. That is what the song is missing!’ Adam exclaimed, shaking his head. ‘I don’t know why I worried, you always seem to be able to read my mind and know what’s needed.’_

_Tommy grinned, inordinately pleased at the compliment. He knew he was good at listening to a song and adding those little bits of magic at the end, but it was always nice to be appreciated. And being appreciated by Adam, who he adored, was even better._

_‘We do it together,’ Tommy said. ‘Words and music, man, words and music. That’s how we work.’_

_‘Have I told you lately how glad I am that we found each other?’ Adam said, looking proudly at Tommy._

_‘Only every day, dude.’_

_Adam drew Tommy into an awkward hug around his guitar and Tommy hugged back one-handed._

_Adam drew back and smiled at Tommy. Something in Tommy’s stomach fluttered at that smile but he ignored it as hunger pains. ‘I know you could probably be making a fortune playing with other people, so I’m so glad that you decided to stick with me. I really don’t deserve it after all the shit I put you through.’_

_‘Dude, we’re a team. Like Hall and Oates, Lennon and McCartney…’_ Johnny and June, _his traitorous mind added. ‘…Laurel and Hardy.’ He cracked up at Adam’s confused look. ‘Look, don’t sweat it. You deserve all the good things and if you think I am it, then you deserve me.’_

_‘Laurel and Hardy?’ Adam snorted. ‘They hated each other off camera.’_

_‘But they were talented bastards who became iconic.’_

_‘Is that what you want to be? Iconic?’_

_‘I want you to be iconic,’ Tommy said candidly. ‘Me? I’m the straight man, the sidekick, the one who helps the star to shine.’_

_Adam’s hand cupped Tommy’s face and he looked serious. ‘If we’re a team, just remember I can’t be that star unless you’re there.’_

_In another world, another universe, Tommy would kiss Adam right now. The solemnity of the moment, the intimacy of his warm hand against Tommy’s face made Tommy suddenly wish for that other world._

_‘Adam…’ he said as Adam’s eyes flicked down to Tommy’s lips and back. Tommy knew Adam wanted to kiss him, the atmosphere suddenly charged with some emotion Tommy refused to define because it didn’t make sense._

_As Adam leaned closer and Tommy was caught in a moment of panic of “this shouldn’t be happening”, Tommy’s stomach grumbled, the sound loud in the quiet._

_Whatever the moment had been, it was broken and they both startled, and then cracked up. ‘You really are hungry,’ Adam said, still laughing, not a trace of disappointment he hadn’t been able to complete his move._

_And that was it, Tommy thought, he really was hungry after all. Those silly flutterings in his stomach were hunger pains. He was right. The world corrected itself back onto its right axis and everything was back to normal._

_‘Gimme one of those sandwiches, then,’ he said._

*****

_‘How about we play some Hendrix at the New Year’s show?’ Adam said, dropping onto the sofa in his lounge._

_‘We could do that,’ Tommy agreed, putting his guitar down. ‘You’d have to get Brian to agree. He’s your MD.’_

_‘We all know I decide what we play,’ Adam countered. ‘Besides he already agreed.’ Adam grinned._

_‘You talked to him already?’_

_‘I did.’ Adam nodded. ‘Heard you practising Red House and thought it’d be perfect to add to the show. We need to give them something new and I can’t think of a better way to highlight just how fucking amazing you are playing blues.’_

_‘Really?’ Tommy asked, confused. ‘Dude, you already drag me into the spotlight enough letting me play all those bluesy solos, no need to do a whole song.’_

_‘Well, someone opened his big mouth and told the world how I love listening to it, and how you love answering to my vocal, so I figured I had better put my money where your mouth is. Wait, that didn’t come out right.’ Adam snickered as Tommy snorted. ‘Regardless, it’s something I want to do for you.’_

_Tommy sighed. ‘Adam you really are too generous. You’ve already given me a life, living my dream, playing for the best person I’ve ever met in my life. I don’t need all this.’_

_‘You have three weeks to perfect that guitar, Tommy Joe, and I’ll not hear another word about you not deserving it.’_

_Tommy didn’t know what to do with that, so he just smiled and hugged his best friend tightly, wondering what he’d done right to deserve someone as giving as Adam in his life._

_‘I won’t let you down, I promise,’ Tommy whispered. He knew how important it was in that song to be perfect on guitar because that was the feature of the song. There was no way he was going to risk Adam’s credibility by stuffing up something so important._

_‘You never have, Tommy, never,’ Adam replied, hugging Tommy back._

_Internally, Tommy sighed. He was sure he’d put the dark days of his inappropriate crush on his best friend aside, rationalising that he’d been transferring gratitude to other emotions. But they seemed to still be there. And yet again, Tommy couldn’t see past where he was grateful to Adam for everything._

_And nothing had changed. His hundred ‘what ifs’ were still there. What was the point of wrecking something that meant everything to him for curiosity and gratitude? They’d had their moments during GNT, on stage and off. That was all past; they were best friends, as close as Tommy had been with anyone, ever, and that was worth everything as far as Tommy was concerned._

_Besides, Adam didn’t want him anyway. All that kerfuffle was all just ancient history, water under the bridge, forgotten about as a mistake, now._

_Wasn’t it?_

_His rational mind didn’t help his heart, though._

*****

_Words were never going to be able to express the connection he had with Tommy, Adam knew that. Mostly when he was with Tommy his heart overflowed with happiness, albeit tinged with futile longing. Still, even with the pain, this was the best friendship he’d ever had. The one he trusted the most. And that was saying something because he’d really and truly been in love with Brad._

_So, nothing had changed. He was still ass over tit in love with his guitarist and best friend, and Lane’s words still rankled in his subconscious, even though she was long gone from his management team. What she’d said was even truer now than before, what with all the awards he’d been given through various LGBT groups. His social responsibility was even more prominent._

_It did make him resentful at times. But then he remembered that Tommy didn’t even return his feelings anyway, so what did wanting matter?_

_The best he could do was make Tommy’s dreams come true and, as he returned Tommy’s hug, he hoped he was doing that._

_He pulled back from the hug and smiled. ‘You still give the best hugs ever. Cuddleslut,’ he joked._

_‘You love it,’ Tommy lightly punched Adam’s arm._

_‘I do.’ He sighed softly, not really meaning Tommy to hear, but, unfortunately, he did._

_Tommy frowned. ‘You okay?’_

_‘Sure.’ Adam waved him off, despite being able to tell by the look on Tommy’s face that he wasn’t getting away with that. ‘Do you miss GNT?’ he asked quietly._

_‘Sometimes,’ Tommy replied, just as quietly, clearly realising Adam was having a serious moment. ‘Do you?’_

_‘I do,’ he admitted. ‘I miss everything, even the bad times.’_

_‘Monte’s farts and Taylor’s smelly feet?’ Tommy asked, grinning._

_Adam laughed softly. ‘Even those.’_

_‘I don’t miss those,’ Tommy admitted._

_‘I miss your massages,’ Adam said, daring himself, wondering if Tommy would see right through him._

_Tommy smiled and indicated the floor. ‘All right, sit on the floor and I’ll give you one.’_

_Adam moved quickly, grinning. Though the grin fell from his face when he felt Tommy’s hands on his shoulders and neck. He’d forgotten just how damned good his fingers felt digging into his muscles and soothing any tightness there. After just a few moments he was finding it hard to hold back a moan of pleasure. ‘Damn.’_

_‘What?’ Tommy asked._

_‘I’d forgotten just how good you are at this,’ he replied, voice catching, breathless._

_‘You always were a hedonist. You can make some noise if you want to,’ Tommy said and Adam could hear the smugness in his voice._

_Flashes of many other massages in the past, memories of manipulating Tommy into sweet kisses along with those massages flickered in Adam’s head and for a split second he wondered if Tommy knew Adam was angling for kisses. Only one way to find out, he told himself._

_‘You used to kiss me when I moaned under your fingers,’ he said, voice rough._

_Tommy’s fingers stilled momentarily, and then started up again. ‘Is that what you want?’_

_‘I’ve never said no to your kisses Tommy.’_

_‘You did, though,’ Tommy said and stopped the massage altogether._

_Confused, Adam turned around to look at him. ‘When?’_

_‘When you sent me home from London,’ Tommy said, shrugging._

_‘But…’ Adam could only kick himself, as the moment was lost. Because it was true. He’d said no to Tommy back then. He’d said no to everything._

_‘No big deal, right?’ Tommy picked up his guitar again and started strumming. Adam couldn’t pick the song, it seemed to be random chords._

_‘Right,’ he replied sadly._

*****

‘It was Sutan that made me see clearly,’ Tommy says, grabbing Adam’s hand.

‘You and your life partner,’ Adam jokes.

‘He is.’ Tommy teases back.

*****

_Tommy tossed his jacket on the sofa and fumbled for his ringing phone. When he saw it was Sutan calling, he smiled. ‘Hey, Sutan, how are you?’_

_‘Tommy, baby. I’ve missed your voice.’_

_‘Been too long, for sure. When are you back in town?’_

_‘Think I’m home for a couple of days soon, then fly out again for New Year’s. We really need to find some time and catch up properly. I feel like it’s been years since we saw each other.’_

_‘We will,’ Tommy said, smiling as he stretched out on the sofa. ‘What’s up?’_

_‘Just checking in with all my friends before Christmas. I know a lot don’t celebrate but it’s always nice to use as an excuse to talk to everyone.’_

_Tommy laughed. ‘You’re like Adam. Doesn’t celebrate but any excuse for a party.’_

_‘He loves a party, that’s for damned sure.’ Tommy could hear Sutan chuckling on the other end. ‘Speaking of Adam, how is he, really? Last time I spoke to him he was a bit down and we’ve been playing phone tag for about a week. What’s going on with him?’_

_Tommy wondered why everyone these days seemed to want to speak to him about Adam. As if he was the one with all the answers. When you can’t get Adam, go to the next best thing. Tommy sighed internally and supposed that this time it was his own fault; he’d been the one to mention Adam._

_‘Dunno what you mean,’ Tommy replied. ‘He seems fine to me.’ Which was true in itself. If the way Tommy was dealing with Adam lately seemed a bit off, well then it was Tommy’s problem, not Adam’s. Adam hadn’t changed. ‘Busy with work and in the studio, but other than that I can’t tell you what his social life is like, only what I see in the media. We don’t talk about who he goes out with.’_

_Not that Tommy wanted to talk to Adam about who he went out with. That was a subject best left alone. Tommy was not jealous. There was no reason for jealousy. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop his voice sounding a touch bitter._

_‘And why does that not surprise me, Tommy boy?’_

_‘What do you mean?’_

_‘You know what I mean. It’s still there, isn’t it?’_

_‘No! I have no idea what you mean. What is still where?’ Tommy was playing dumb, he knew that but there was nothing else for it. He wasn’t going to assume anything._

_He heard a long suffering sigh from the other end of the phone and cringed. This was not going to be good. Although… he supposed that talking about it might help. It was just that he really, really sucked at it. It made him feel stupid and vulnerable and he always ended up hearing things he didn’t like._

_‘Tommy, a blind man could see that you’re in love with Adam. You and he are the only ones who refuse to acknowledge it.’_

_Tommy spluttered. ‘What? I am not in love with him, I’m not!’_

_‘You two have been dancing around it for years. I know what I see.’_

_‘Sutan,’ Tommy said deliberately stern. ‘I’m straight, remember? I’m not going to deny that there are some feelings there. I do love him because he gave me my dream and he’s done so much for me, so of course I love him. I’m so grateful to him, that’s all it is.’_

_Sutan snorted and Tommy could almost hear him shaking his head in frustration. ‘You’re being ridiculous.’_

_‘Hey, you don’t get to choose your sexuality, you know. You’re born that way. Remember all that stuff you spout about not being able to choose to want to date women? Well, it’s the same for me.’_

_‘I’m going to give you a little bit of advice, Tommy, and whether or not you take it is up to you. Sometimes there are people that come into your life that break all the boundaries, all the rules you impose on yourself, all the values and beliefs you thought you’d always had. You never know who they’ll be or what they’ll make you feel, but I know one thing, Adam is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. The best. I know it and you know it. Fuck, the whole world knows it because you say it often enough.’_

_‘Sutan…’_

_‘Just wait, I’m not finished yet,’ Sutan snapped. ‘Adam’s been in love with you since he first met you. We’ve all watched him fight it, we wondered if he’d managed to get over it when he dated Sauli, but we all know how badly that turned out. And we all know how much he relies on you to keep him sane. But we also see how happy you make him. He was never that relaxed and happy in his skin with his other partners.’_

_‘Look,’ Tommy shouted. ‘Enough. I don’t know what you see but he doesn’t want me. I threw myself at him in London during GNT, and he sent me home while he went to Paris. Bet you didn’t know that, did you? So, whatever you see or think you see, it’s just not right.’_

_‘I assumed something like that happened. You were a wreck.’_

_‘So yeah, just leave it, okay? There’s nothing to be done about it. I got over it, realised I was projecting my gratitude…’ Tommy sighed, anger draining away, embarrassed for himself, embarrassed that Sutan had to listen to him._

_‘Tommy,’ Sutan said gently. ‘I want you to do one thing for me. Imagine everything you know and love about Adam. Imagine you stopped playing for him, went and played music with someone else. A bigger star playing music you’ve always loved. Would you have the same feelings of gratitude towards them? Remove labels, preconceived ideas of gender, love, and what you thought your life might be. And then ask yourself if you still have feelings for him. Will you do that?’_

_‘Why?’ Tommy wasn’t sure he could separate all of that. Everything in his life affected everything else and nothing happened in isolation._

_Sutan sighed fondly. ‘Because I’m an interfering old queen and want my two favourite people in the world to be happy together. Because if you can do that and decide the love you have for him is not the sort that can look past the fact he’s a guy, then I’ll shut up and not bother you about it again. And I won’t judge you for it or love you any less.'_

*****

‘So, that’s what I did. Took a long hard look at my feelings and how I’d feel about him if I’d no cause to feel grateful,’ Tommy says.

‘It must have been a difficult thing to do.’

‘I guess,’ Tommy shrugs. ‘But to be honest, once I started thinking about not playing for him, I realised that if I wasn’t playing for him, I’d eventually lose touch. You know, people get busy and especially in Adam’s case; the more successful he got the more often he would be away and touring and recording and I’d never see him.’

Adam squeezes Tommy’s hand in support. ‘I’d never have let that happen.’

‘Good intentions aside,’ Tommy continues, smiling at Adam. ‘It made me see that gratitude or not, if I didn’t at least acknowledge my feelings, I could lose the best thing that had ever happened to me. And at that moment I couldn’t have cared less that he was a star, he was just a man, my Adam, and I loved him. I read a quote – “Love is not who you see yourself with, it’s who you can’t see yourself without.” And I didn’t want to see myself without Adam. Being his friend and watching him with someone else wasn’t going to be enough for me.’

Adam smiles that blinding smile he seems to have only for Tommy. ‘I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard you speak at once,’ he says.

‘Live with someone who runs off at the mouth long enough and you start sounding like them,’ Tommy shoots back, poking his tongue out. 

‘Put that away, you don’t know where it’s been.’ Adam laughs back. 

‘Oh, yes he does – oh shit, did I say that aloud?’ I ask, mortified. 

Unexpectedly, they both hoot with laughter at me, while I try not to slip under the seat. “Sorry about that.’ They don’t want to know where my imagination went. Perils of being a fangirl. We all know what that’s like, don’t we? Even Frank is laughing at me. 

Eventually, I shake it off and continue. ‘Anyway, Tommy, you spoke to Adam then?’

Tommy nods. ‘I spent ages trying to figure out how to approach him about it. I thought I was probably fucking up the whole friendship. But in the end I was killing myself not saying something, not giving myself a chance. If there was a chance of him loving me back, I deserved that chance. It was a risk I’m glad I took. Remember, I thought he didn’t want me, so I knew it was going to be a fight. And I had no idea at that stage Lane had been in his ear brainwashing him.’

‘Despite that,’ Adam says, ‘what it came down to was that I needed something solid and permanent in my life. No matter what I did, I was never going to be able to please everyone, or fix society’s issues with sexuality. My responsibility is to myself and my loved ones. If I can’t live honestly, everything I’ve always said about being real, meant nothing and no one would trust anything I had to say ever again.’

At this point, Gemma runs up and cuddles up to Adam on his chair. Adam smiles and kisses her temple. ‘Hey, Apples, you having fun?’ he asks. 

She nods. ‘Granny Leila wanted me to come over and see if you need anything.’

‘No, sweet, we’re good. Thank Granny Leila for us, will you?’

‘Okay, Papa,’ she says and kisses him before leaning over to kiss Tommy as well. ‘Bye, daddy.’ 

She gives me a smile and runs off, adding a little skip to her step. 

‘She’s sweet,’ I say. ‘I noticed that Abby calls Tommy by his name but Gemma calls you Papa.’

They both roll their eyes. ‘Law unto herself is that one,’ Tommy says. ‘She used to call me dad, but mom said that I did the same thing at her age and called my dad, Ron for about a year. So, we’re ignoring it and hopefully she’ll grow out of it.’

I chuckle. ‘One of mine insisted he was to be called Arrow. Took us a whole month before he decided his own name was better.’

‘Kids are funny, but there’s nothing more rewarding than seeing them grow into their own person,’ Tommy says.

‘And they love unconditionally,’ Adam adds. 

‘They do,’ I say. ‘Speaking of love…’ I’m prompting them to get back to the story. I’m not sure how long I’ve got before I wear out my welcome in this first visit, but I don’t want to leave before I hear this. Waiting until next week would be impossible.

‘Ah, yes, New Year’s Eve,’ Tommy says. 

‘The beginning of the best fifteen years of my life,’ Adam adds.

Tommy has a special smile like he has a secret and he’s not going to let on to anyone. Almost a smirk, really, but then when he looks at Adam it’s like he’s broadcasting every secret he ever had in his life. Just for Adam alone.

*****

_New Year’s Eve, 2014 and the concert had gone well, better than well, actually, Adam thought as he finished up back stage. It had been the perfect song to end on, Tommy’s guitar just reeked emotion. He was so glad for his stage training that enabled him to – mostly – hold his emotions in when he needed to or else he might have gone to his knees for Tommy. But it seemed like there was an unspoken agreement between them recently that the stage play couldn’t go that far anymore. He was both saddened by that and glad for it. Perhaps it was better not to be constantly mocked by what he could never have._

_Whatever. He refused to think about it tonight. New Year’s Eve away from home and he and the band and the techs were having a quiet party in his hotel room. Good people. Friends. People he trusted. It was enough for tonight._

_By the time he arrived back at his room, it was filled with most of the band and some of the crew. The rest would be along when they’d finished packing the gear away. Someone had put some music on but it was set low. The conversations were littered with laughter and everyone had a drink._

_Tommy detached himself from the group, handing him bottled water and a drink. Before he’d really even had time to say anything, Tommy wrapped his arms around Adam’s waist and hugged him tight._

_‘Thank you,’ he said._

_Recovering Adam awkwardly wrapped his arms around Tommy, trying not to spill his drink. ‘What for?’_

_‘Just for being you,’ he said and looked up at Adam, smiling. ‘For letting us play Red House.’_

_‘How could I not when your guitar just pulled us all together and made it work?’_

_‘Still, it was a gamble playing something so bluesy.’_

_‘Music isn’t worth anything unless you take a risk now and then.’_

_‘But you risk your reputation for a song I want to play. To make me shine.’_

_Adam frowned. ‘You don’t think you’re worth it?’_

_‘That’s not the point,’ Tommy said, pulling back out of the hug. ‘I’m just… I don’t even know…just thank you.’_

_‘Don’t mention it, kitty,’ Adam said, and laughed as Tommy scrunched his nose at the endearment. He looked adorable._

_‘Rowr.’ Tommy made kitty claws and pretended to scratch Adam. All he succeeded in doing was tickle him and make Adam spill his drink._

_‘You can clean that up,’ Adam said. But Tommy danced away to talk to someone else._

_‘That will teach you to call me kitty,’ he said, poking his tongue out as he went._

_‘Little shit,’ Adam muttered._

_‘Not long until midnight, everyone, so let’s hear resolutions,’ Ashley called out._

_Begrudgingly, Adam joined them all, sitting on the sofa. He wasn’t one for resolutions, because life changed, and no matter what you think at the start of a new year, it could do a complete about-face in no time at all._

_Tommy squished in next to him, Rick on the other side. Adam wanted to put his arm around Tommy, but settled for elbowing him in the ribs. ‘Lucky you’re so tiny or else you’d be sitting on the floor.’_

_Tommy looked at Rick and then back to Adam. ‘Well, you two brutes are huge,’ he teased._

_‘Is that so?’ Adam narrowed his eyes and then attacked Tommy, tickling him mercilessly. Tommy screamed until Adam relented, worried for his hearing._

_A panting Tommy beside him was very distracting, but he tried to ignore it as the talk discussion on resolutions started. After a while, he noticed that Tommy seemed anxious about something. He was restless, picking at the seam of his pants constantly and jiggling his leg._

_‘You okay?’_

_Tommy nodded and turned to look at him. There was a hint of worry in Tommy’s eyes and Adam would like nothing more than to take it away. ‘Just…I need to talk to you. After the countdown, will you find me?’_

_‘It’s important?’_

_‘Yeah.’_

_‘Then, of course. Want to talk now?’ he whispered. ‘I don’t mind missing the countdown.’_

_Tommy shook his head. ‘No, after is fine.’_

_The countdown was a bit anticlimactic after that. Adam couldn’t stop thinking about why Tommy wanted to speak to him. Doomsday thoughts kept flinging themselves to the front of his mind…Tommy was leaving to play for someone else…Tommy was sick…Tommy had met someone and was getting married…no, he would have mentioned that he was seeing someone._

_After Adam had been kissed and hugged by everyone in the room, had his back slapped too hard by the techs, and had a drink spilled down his front, he searched Tommy out and indicated that they go into the bedroom for some privacy._

_‘I think I fucked everything up,’ Tommy said pacing the room once the door was closed, dulling the sounds of the party to a muted mumble._

_‘What do you mean? What’s happened?’_

_‘Start as you mean to go on, start as you mean to go on,’ Tommy muttered. Adam wasn’t sure he was meant to have heard that but he didn’t know what Tommy meant anyway. He frowned._

_‘Tommy, you’re not making sense.’_

_Tommy took a deep breath and turned to face Adam, nerves, tension, whatever evident in every movement. And almost panic in his eyes._

_‘I think I might have fucked up our friendship,’ he said._

_‘What could you do that would do that? You know that’s not going to happen.’ Adam knew Tommy’s insecurities got the better of him at times, and at least he knew how to combat that. He was relieved._

_Tommy shook his head. ‘This time…I didn’t meant to…I didn’t realise…’_

_Adam moved closer to Tommy and placed both hands on Tommy’s shoulders. ‘Tommy, tell me what’s going on, you’re worrying me.’_

_‘You remember when you sent me home from London?’_

_Adam nodded, still no idea where this was going._

_‘You told me that we were better off as friends and it was just tour and nostalgia, and me being so damned grateful, and – ‘_

_‘And I was right,’ Adam said._

_‘No!’ Tommy snapped, and shook Adam’s hands off his shoulders, moving away. ‘For the longest time I thought you were right because I got over it, or thought I did, even though I was so hurt, but then you seemed happy and after a while we were the same as we’ve always been, but now the longer we’re working together these feelings have all started coming back but I didn’t want to admit them and then Sutan ripped me a new one and told me to work out what I feel, like if there was no music for me to feel grateful to you for, like if I left to play for someone else, which was stupid because, dude, as if I’d ever do that, but it made me realise that I’d want you anyway, I just don’t want you to not be in my life.’_

_Tommy broke off breathless after stringing all those words together. Adam’s head was spinning, he could barely take in the words Tommy was saying._

_‘And I know I said I had a hundred “what ifs”, and I wondered about them but none of them really matter, I don’t care about any of that because most of them flew out the window when I realised I’m in love with you.’_

_Adam could only stand there gaping, stunned. Talk about being hit over the head with a rock. As the moments ticked by, Adam could only hear Tommy’s laboured breathing and his own heart beat._

_And he saw Tommy, looking painfully vulnerable after having bared his heart._

_‘Adam? I know you don’t feel the same way about me, but could you say something please?’ Tommy’s voice was tiny with fear._

_‘Who – ‘ Adam’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat. ‘Who said I don’t feel the same way? God, Tommy, I’ve been in love with you since I met you. How could I not feel the same way?’_

_‘You do?’ Tommy’s voice was a croak, broken, rough round the edges._

_Adam nodded. ‘Hopelessly.’_

_‘Oh, God,’ Tommy exhaled and ran into Adam’s waiting arms. Arms that would always be there for Tommy. Adam could feel the small body shaking. He hoped with happiness._

_‘I never…just…’_

_‘Shh, it’s okay,’ Adam said, heart singing._

_Tommy looked up at him, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. ‘I thought I’d fucked everything up,’ he whispered, heart breakingly beautiful smile lighting his face._

_‘Never,’ Adam replied. And when one of the tears fell, Adam lifted his finger to wipe it from Tommy’s cheek. ‘Mom used to say that when your heart is full of emotion, the excess leaks out in tears. So your smile is telling me you love me and your tears are telling me how much.’_

_Adam could barely hear Tommy’s whisper. ‘Full to overflowing.’_

_Adam kissed him then, carefully, as if he couldn’t quite believe it was all real, but when Tommy didn’t pull away, Adam made a noise he might be embarrassed about later and kissed him properly. His emotions were dancing through his body, swirling in a mess in his head and hurting his heart. “Finally” became “mine” and the determination to fight for them this time burned strong._

_When Tommy kissed back, this time Adam knew it wasn’t coming from a misplaced gratitude, it wasn’t for the show, nor was it fuelled by inebriation. This time he knew it was because he was wanted, desired. It was real. Tommy’d thought about this; thought about what being together meant, thought about the reasons he wanted this, and Adam knew that it was because Tommy loved him. And the simplicity of it almost weakened his knees. Behind the glamour and the face paint and the dorky sex face Adam showed the world, was a man that was wanted because he was loved. He could rule the world because he was loved._

_‘So we’re really doing this?’ Adam asked, desperately searching for equilibrium, pushing back Tommy’s fringe so he could see all of his face. ‘You’re ready for all the bullshit that comes with being with me? Especially when people find out?’_

_‘For always,’ Tommy said, finding his voice. To Adam he sounded as certain as Adam felt._

_Heart still aching with happiness, Adam smiled. Peace. ‘We’re going to be amazing. They’re going to write songs about us one day.’_

_‘Dork,’ Tommy snorted. ‘But I love you anyway.’_

_‘For always.’_

*****

‘Beautiful,’ I say. It’s hard not to be moved by the very real emotional connection they have with each other.

‘That’s the first time I’ve told anyone that story,’ Adam says, ‘So please treat it well.’

‘And now you’ve told the whole world, dude,’ Tommy chides playfully. ‘Now I sound like a sap.’

‘What do you say to the people who insist that you’re born with your sexual orientation? That you’re made one way and it’s not a choice. You can see where people might argue that you must have been gay all along and lied to everyone.’

‘I don’t know what to tell them, to be honest. I don’t have all the answers they want, I only have my answers and I don’t have to justify my reasons just to fit in with their labels. I’ve dated women and I fell in love with a man. So?’

‘Was it a hard adjustment to make? Being in love with a man?’

‘No. Yes. Sometimes.’ He laughs. ‘Some love goes beyond gender. When I realised that I didn’t want to live without Adam in my life every day, when I wanted to wake up with him, grow old with him, raise children with him, I knew I loved him more than anyone or anything, more than my life. 

‘I was worried about the physical side of sex, for sure. I mean we’d done things during GNT, but not sex. Adam tried telling me that we could just skip the full on sex but I knew that the intimate connection I wanted to have with a forever partner meant I had to be in for everything. And I needn’t have worried; sure it was awkward at first – although heaps of people love it – but I was right, the intimacy and the need to be as close to him as possible won me over. I love his body. And he really is an amazingly caring, loving person.’

‘Now he can’t get enough.’ Adam laughs.

‘Ha! And that’s all you’re getting about our sex life.’

‘Indeed. Do you think there’ll be much backlash against you and Adam, career-wise?’

Adam answers. ‘Frankly, if people have a problem with Tommy and I being together, then they’ve not listened to a word I’ve said the last twenty years and it’s their problem, not mine. However, we’ve had fans that have been with us since the start and I’m sure we’ll have their support.’

‘To be fair, though, Adam, some of those words in the past twenty years have been about Tommy being straight, or being real, saying you don’t lie…’ I’m playing devil’s advocate here, and while I’m very happy for both of them, asking the hard questions is my job.

‘At the time they were true.’ Adam shrugs. ‘I’m not perfect. I think I said that several times too. I’m human, I make mistakes.’

‘Definitely not perfect,’ Tommy chimes in. ‘Sweaty gym clothes… stinky trainers…ugh.’

Adam laughs. ‘Look who’s talking!’

‘So I guess the big question here is how you managed to keep it a secret for so long.’

‘We decided that our private life was our private life and no one had a right to know anything about that unless we chose to let them know. Close friends and family knew and were sworn to secrecy. Tommy had been with me in the band long enough that it wasn’t a surprise to see us out for dinner or shopping or even travelling together.’

‘The paps asked,’ Tommy says, scrunching up his face. ‘But we refused to answer or comment on anything at all. Before the kids, Adam was a bit of a party animal and used to do the night clubs a lot by himself or with other friends so it wasn’t obvious that I was always with him.’

Adam nods. ‘And we just refused to comment on any speculation or rumour. And we’re lucky in that we have great friends who understood.’

‘I think the only other rule we made for ourselves was that while we were out we didn’t go around holding hands or anything.’

I grin. ‘No PDAs?’

‘Right.’ They both nod.

‘And your living arrangements? I notice that this yard adjoins the next door one.’

‘That was prudent. The other house is our recording studio. We spend so much time in there that it made sense to have it as close to home as possible.’

I nod. ‘It seems impossible that you’ve managed to keep your secret for so long. I can’t believe it was that simple. You didn’t have people stalking you over the years, following you home, things like that?’

‘Most people only believe what they see, what they want to see. And we’re very security conscious, not only about our personal lives but we have the children now, too.’ 

‘It still seems unbelievable.’

‘Oh, I’m sure there are people who know about us, but we’ve been lucky and they’ve not said anything,’ Adam admits. 

‘Not that we wanted to hide it or anything, it was just…personal,’ Tommy says. ‘It was our lives. Away from all the bullshit media hype, away from everything that could intrude.’

‘My little slice of heaven.’ Adam gives Tommy his special smile, eyes full of love. ‘Home. Where my heart is.’

I would say they’re the perfect couple. But they’re not perfect. Adam still behaves like a diva sometimes, is still overly dramatic and possessive occasionally and Tommy is still a Neanderthal when it comes to choosing his own clothes and he still likes time alone. And he’s still thoughtless when he misreads signals from people. Which doesn’t happen often but when it does, Tommy can be a right douche. Apparently. So he cheerfully admits to. 

No, they’re not the perfect couple, but they are perfect for each other. Light and dark, introvert and extrovert, loud and quiet. They complement each other and have less in common than you’d think. However, one thing I did learn is that wherever Adam is, there Tommy will be and vice versa. Their home is where their hearts are. And don’t we all wish we had someone like that in our lives?


End file.
